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We know what Super Bowl’s really all about

Now that the professional football season is boiling down to the (usually disappointing) Super Bowl, I have some suggestions for television network executives to consider.

Number one: Show us more of the cheerleaders. Especially the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. You won’t have to distract attention from the game, but instead of those cliche shots of a coach talking into a headset (while hiding his mouth behind something so lip readers on the other side of the field can’t see what he’s saying), give us the ladies. Do any of you TV moguls REALLY think we’re turned on by the sight of steam coming off the bald head of a lineman the size of Jabba the Hut?

Is this sexist? Well, yeah.



And you know all about that.

How about that beer commercial, shown only during football games, where the two women who have to be Victoria’s Secret models duke it out over whether their beer has “great taste” or is “less filling”? You know, I’ve watched that ad dozens of times during the season and I’m still not really sure what brand of beer they’re fighting over. Next time I’ll concentrate, I promise.




Undoubtedly that ad has inspired letters of protest from the politically correct, who also don’t want viewers ogling the cheerleaders, and object to us having any fun at all.

My very own son-in-law, the 49er fan (“Wait’ll next year”), watches those commercials saying, “This is a terrible ad!” for the sake of my impressionable grandchildren who are also in the room, but I’ve watched him and he doesn’t even blink when those ladies are tearing each other’s clothes off.

And consider the families of those cheerleaders who brave the elements in short shorts and halter tops. They have to practice their dance routines for long hours.They have to keep in top condition. They’re endangered by players who come charging through the sidelines when they’re chased out of bounds. And then they call home and ask, “Hey, Ma! Did you see me on TV during the Steelers game?”

“No,” comes the reply, “They showed pictures of the coaches hiding their lips while they talk on their headsets and steam coming off some fat guy’s head.”

Oh, sure, occasionally you’ll see a 10-second shot of a smiling cheerleader fluffing her pompons, but that’s only because a wily cameraman has approached one of the ladies asking, “Wanna be on national TV? What are you doing after the game?”

I know that happens, because the cameramen are guys.

And take a look at all those men in the stands with powerful binoculars. They can watch replays on the giant screen, so do you think they’re watching the lips of the coach on the opposing sideline? Or steam coming off some bald lineman’s head? Ho ho ho.

A couple of years ago I was watching a football game on TV and during halftime (in the apparent absence of a commercial) the camera was scanning the field, focusing on the cheerleaders for several minutes. The announcer and “color man” were also watching one particularly attractive young lady and, unmindful of the fact they were “live,” one quipped, “Have her bathed and brought to my tent!”

I rest my case. Football is guy territory.

Suggestion Number Two: During the third quarter of the game, have a continuous banner running across the top of the screen in capital letters: “DO NOT TURN OFF THE TV. HE’S ONLY NAPPING!”

This is for wives who see us asleep with the bag of chips and tub of dip ready to fall off the arm of the recliner onto the floor. They don’t understand that we’ve been out there on the playing field in our minds, taking hits that would destroy mere mortals.

Announcer: “Word has reached us that wide receiver Hakim Lumbumba has had to have his spleen removed as a result of the tackle he took in the first quarter, but is expected to return for the second half.”

We need that nap. And turning off the TV prematurely would mean missing that neat beer commercial. Of the 10-second look at the cheerleaders. We wake up when the important things happen.

Suggestion Number Three: Bring back the Budweiser lizards. Yeah, the idea of those big draft horses playing football is cute, but we Now that the professional football season is boiling down to the (usually disappointing) Super Bowl, I have some suggestions for television network executives to consider.

Number one: Show us more of the cheerleaders. Especially the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. You won’t have to distract attention from the game, but instead of those cliche shots of a coach talking into a headset (while hiding his mouth behind something so lip readers on the other side of the field can’t see what he’s saying), give us the ladies. Do any of you TV moguls REALLY think we’re turned on by the sight of steam coming off the bald head of a lineman the size of Jabba the Hut?

Is this sexist? Well, yeah.

And you know all about that.

How about that beer commercial, shown only during football games, where the two women who have to be Victoria’s Secret models duke it out over whether their beer has “great taste” or is “less filling”? You know, I’ve watched that ad dozens of times during the season and I’m still not really sure what brand of beer they’re fighting over. Next time I’ll concentrate, I promise.

Undoubtedly that ad has inspired letters of protest from the politically correct, who also don’t want viewers ogling the cheerleaders, and object to us having any fun at all.

My very own son-in-law, the 49er fan (“Wait’ll next year”), watches those commercials saying, “This is a terrible ad!” for the sake of my impressionable grandchildren who are also in the room, but I’ve watched him and he doesn’t even blink when those ladies are tearing each other’s clothes off.

And consider the families of those cheerleaders who brave the elements in short shorts and halter tops. They have to practice their dance routines for long hours.They have to keep in top condition.

They’re endangered by players who come charging through the sidelines when they’re chased out of bounds. And then they call home and ask, “Hey, Ma! Did you see me on TV during the Steelers game?”

“No,” comes the reply, “They showed pictures of the coaches hiding their lips while they talk on their headsets and steam coming off some fat guy’s head.”

Oh, sure, occasionally you’ll see a 10-second shot of a smiling cheerleader fluffing her pompons, but that’s only because a wily cameraman has approached one of the ladies asking, “Wanna be

on national TV? What are you doing after the game?”

I know that happens, because the cameramen are guys.

And take a look at all those men in the stands with powerful binoculars. They can watch replays on the giant screen, so do you think they’re watching the lips of the coach on the opposing sideline?

Or steam coming off some bald lineman’s head? Ho ho ho.

A couple of years ago I was watching a football game on TV and during halftime (in the apparent absence of a commercial) the camera was scanning the field, focusing on the cheerleaders for several minutes. The announcer and “color man” were also watching one particularly attractive young lady and, unmindful of the fact they were “live,” one quipped, “Have her bathed and brought to my tent!”

I rest my case. Football is guy territory.

Suggestion Number Two: During the third quarter of the game, have a continuous banner running across the top of the screen in capital letters: “DO NOT TURN OFF THE TV. HE’S ONLY NAPPING!”

This is for wives who see us asleep with the bag of chips and tub of dip ready to fall off the arm of the recliner onto the floor. They don’t understand that we’ve been out there on the playing field in our minds, taking hits that would destroy mere mortals.

Announcer: “Word has reached us that wide receiver Hakim Lumbumba has had to have his spleen removed as a result of the tackle he took in the first quarter, but is expected to return for the second half.”

We need that nap. And turning off the TV prematurely would mean missing that neat beer commercial. Of the 10-second look at the cheerleaders. We wake up when the important things happen.

Suggestion Number Three: Bring back the Budweiser lizards. Yeah, the idea of those big draft horses playing football is cute, but we miss the lizards.

Got that?

See ya next fall.

Dick Tracy, gardening columnist for The Union, lives in Grass Valley.


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