We’ve all received those dreadful holiday letters that sound like the “Leave it to Beaver” family: the kids are perfect; the family went to Europe; Grandma has moved in but everybody’s thrilled … I don’t know about you, but there is always some bitter with the sweet during my family’s year. The following fake letter, which was sent in by a reader via e-mail, also addresses how careful we have all become to avoid offending anyone. Thought you’d get a kick out of the “holiday letter of the future.”
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, nonaddictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2005, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only AMERICA in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual preference of the wishes.
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.
Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message, however, a significant number of electrons were inconvenienced.
Dixie Redfearn can be reached at 477-4238 or by email at firstname.lastname@example.org, or by fax at 477-4292.
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