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Other Voices: If I were a candidate …

This is always an amusing time of year at the California State Legislature. Introduction of bills. There are usually about 2,000 per year, so I know most legislators have lots of time to understand all these bills.

When it costs well over $1 million to run for State Office, I am always amused as to the content and importance of so many of the bills introduced each year. I do like the Assembly Bill that bans lap dogs in cars. If elected, I would vote for it, because I would hate to have my daughter crossing the street while Cuddles is sleeping under the brake pedal. Seems like a good bill, though I didn’t think you’d need to legislate something like that.

Some of the bills introduced so far this year:



• One that requires mouthpieces for all school athletes.

• A bill that requires road kill to be properly disposed of.




• A bill to ban firearms expos at the Cow Palace. (I don’t know when the facility was last used for cows anyway, thought they built it for Rolling Stones’ concerts.)

• A bill to regulate the packaging of peanuts.

• And my favorite, AB 28116, which regulates the length allowed for felt tip marker pens (a graffiti-reduction measure).

These are just some of the important bills people submit, who practically sell their lives to get into the state Legislature. So if I were elected to the state Assembly, I would like to share with you some bills that I would introduce:

AB 1: Would require all drivers to keep both hands on the steering wheel at all times unless their arms were around a really cute girl, which would, of course, be amended in committee because it excludes women drivers with their arms around cute guys. After a long debate, it would be canceled anyway, because bench seats don’t really exist anymore, so it would not be possible.

AB 2: Would require all persons to leave everyone else alone. Period. That would mean no peddling at your front door, absolutely no phone calls from strangers, no junk mail, no fliers on your car wipers. The only exclusion to my bill would be that someone could ask for directions to my restaurant while you were walking down the street.

AB 3: Would ban further talk about this state being “green.” A state that went through 15.7 billions of gasoline last year (down from 15.8 billion gallons the year before) has no right to even use the word “green” unless talking to your gardener about your brown lawn.

AB 4: Would require all businesses to either answer the phone or let it ring as in the old days, since no one is there anyway. This bill would include the termination of the use of numerical prompts and questions.

AB 5: Would allow all persons, who have over the past 40 years never missed voting in any election since they were of voting age, to have their vote count twice.

AB 6: Would require all manufacturers of computers/ faxes/cell phones to not put out another new product for the period of five years unless they can prove that they have fixed the junk we already have to buy that fails in the first year.

AB 7: Would require the state to put in a fast rail north and south/east and west before any new highway projects are started, especially in Los Angeles.

AB 8: Would remove all air conditioning from the state Capitol, which would probably solve much of all this “goofy” legislation anyway, because Sacramento gets really hot, and everyone would just leave.

I know you are sorry I’m not a candidate. Oh, I forgot my AB 9: If you do get elected, you only get to submit one bill per year, and it had better be a good one.

Greg Cook lives in Nevada City.


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