Other voices: Corporations should run for public office | TheUnion.com

Other voices: Corporations should run for public office

Billionaires for Bush is not just about giving short-term handouts to corporations and being loyal to big oil. We’re about maintaining a billionaire-friendly America, forever. What will our Billionocracy look like? A component of our agenda is to allow corporations to run for public office. We’re not satisfied with a mere representative of Enron in the presidency, or Halliburton in the vice presidency, we want to see direct participation: it’s more efficient. Just think of the advertising potential too, “Chevron for the fourth congressional district of California: We Stand with Ourselves.”

Our man Doolittle sort of shot himself in the foot with his, “We stand with Doolittle” campaign. We love the fact that he has placed his signs at our gas stations all over his district announcing that big oil stands with Doolittle, but in doing so, we revisited our old idea once more and thought; why not eliminate John altogether and just run Big Oil for Congress?

Not that we billionaires aren’t’ grateful to John. After all, big oil only gave him $135,000 over the last few years and he’s given us a fantastic return on our investment. He voted against a bill that would have prevented us from price gouging consumers at the pumps, (price gouging is not a crime), he voted to give us over $7 billion in subsidies, and voted against a bill that would have made us responsible for the clean-up of toxic MTBE contaminants in local communities and instead passed that on to the local communities and taxpaying citizens. That’s a 51,850-percent return on our investment and taxpayers have to clean up our mess. Now that’s a deal. Huzzah John!

But John Doolittle and every elected official are mere mortal men and women and mortals bleed Ð they suffer from political fallout that could potentially derail his or her career and therefore could potentially cause an irritating setback to billionaire interests. A congressional or senate corporation (congresscorp or senatecorp for short) would have more legal magic and rabbits to pull out of their hats in the event of public upheaval or controversy.

Say, for instance, if we ran Starbucks for Congress. Let’s say Starbucks even became Speaker of the House and Starbucks voted against veterans benefits like Doolittle did, the accountability factor would be even more trivialized than it is now. If the Vets got all mad, we’d just put some corporate lackey in front of the news cameras and spin it this way: “That was bad judgment by a Starbucks junior accountant and he’s been sacked and replaced. We at Starbucks are very sorry we have voted away your veterans benefits, but we offer all vets a $25 Starbucks card good toward any purchase in our stores and a free spiced pumpkin latte. Offer good while supplies last,” and the vets would be all happy with that, and we can go on with the business of putting their benefits on E-Bay.

Whereas John Doolittle has to take full responsibility for his voting record when he represents billionaire interests and he can’t even offer the vets a free latte.

And just who are these veterans who are all angry with our man Doolittle for having the second worst voting record in Congress for veterans’ causes and troop support? I never see these vets on the golf course, or sipping martinis at my and John’s Yacht club. You see, Doolittle, actually has the support of a veterans group called Swift Yacht Vets for Doolittle (www.swiftyachtvetsfordoolittle.com ), and they’re not whining about pensions and benefits and health care for veterans and active duty troops! In fact, I’m a Swift Yacht Veteran myself and can tell of you first hand of John Doolittle’s heroism serving with his yacht crew. Here’s my story as it appears on swiftyachtvetsfordoolittle.com.

We were stranded on Catalina Island in Southern California and we ran out of Gin. We were up to our eyeballs in lime and tonic and ice, but no gin! Before we could radio for help or form a plan to sail out for more supplies, here comes Johnny Doolittle on the Julie II with a relief shipment of Tanqueray. My God, he saved a few lives that day!

And that is just my story. Many other heroic stories about Doolittle from the Swift Yacht Veterans can be found on our Web site and should be viewed by everyone. Veterans benefits will be eliminated entirely anyway in a few years when our vision of Billionocracy comes to fruition with the total privatization of war. We’ll just allow Halliburton to subcontract cheaper non-American combatants to absorb casualties and shield the republican administration from criticism and scrutiny.

Eliminating the middlemen called “representatives” or “elected officials” by putting corporations into public office would also allow us Republicans to eliminate even more jobs by paying public servants and appointed officials in stock options or Enron-esque energy futures.

Flat salaries doled out from the public purse are counterproductive and retrogressive, but just think of how well it would serve us billionaires if, say, the Department of Health’s employee compensation was directly linked to the pharmaceutical industries stock performance; a mix of heavy-industry, real estate and construction, and big oil for the E.P.A. and so on.

Until we can run corporations as candidates in the fourth district, we have John Doolittle and we at Billionaires for Bush have some advise for John: Stay the course: talk Christ and walk corporate, refer to that employee manual that Jack Abramoff gave you whenever you need to, and keep your door wide open to our lobbyists and someone just might walk through it who looks a lot like the monopoly man and hand you a get out of jail free card. It will be from your friends at Billionaires for Bush.


Darin Barry, writing in character as Johnny NotinDebt, is the chapter leader for the Northern California chapter of Billionaires for Bush. http://www.nevadacountybillionaires.com He lives in Nevada City.

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