Let’s go straight to Patriot Act Three | TheUnion.com

Let’s go straight to Patriot Act Three

Oh dear, I think I’ve probably made the terrorist watch list. It is bad enough that I have sometimes raised a public eyebrow over some actions of our president and his administration and that I have a cousin whose first name is Al (unless he’s changed it back to Albert). The final incriminating piece is that, I confess, I own an almanac, an Encyclopedia Britannica 2003.

If you have been keeping up, you will have noted a minor news story that security people are watching for travelers carrying almanacs because, if I may say so without violating National Security, almanacs have information about dams, bridges and the like.

For instance, did you know that the largest dam in the world, by volume, is (are?) the “Syncrude Tailings” near Alberta, Canada? My Britannica tells me syncrude is “the liquid oil extracted from oil shale as well as that derived from tar sands” (most of which, it says, is “unusable waste”). No date of completion is given in the almanac because, I assume, it is still getting bigger.

Depending on your relationship with your librarian, he or she may turn a blind eye and not note your reading selection for the FBI while you do further research on your own (I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but here’s a hint: it is on page 282, past the full-page, full-color picture of an Afghani citizen but way before the pages of statistics on unemployment and prison populations.).

But how do you think you are serving the interests of our country by learning more about global oil? We have very competent people, indeed the very best minds money can buy, who are constantly doing their best to keep our oil economy alive; truly it is civilization’s lifeblood, aside from the other energy sources, of course.

While we are on the subject of dangerous materials, I feel it is my duty to bring to your attention (denounce?) some other questionable media. I recently viewed the video “The Long Kiss Goodnight,” a pretty okay actioner with Geena Davis and Samuel L. Jackson. But the subject matter? It alleged that some CIA types instigated domestic terrorism in order to maintain funding.

Or what about Bruce Willis and Denzel Washington in “The Siege,” a chilling video alleging that domestic terrorism was triggered by rogue U.S. intelligence agents who kidnapped a prominent Muslim cleric?

It gets worse.

For instance, didn’t it bring a tear to your eye when our president spiraled into Baghdad, with lights out, at great personal risk, in order that some of our soldiers would have turkey for Thanksgiving? Or when he risked his life landing on an aircraft carrier for the troops?

Yet, some have dared question his judgment for such behavior, the gains versus the risks, the “feel-good morale” that we all need. I say, if the president thinks it is good, then it must be, right?

After all, this is the man who shoots straight about global warming, fighting for freedom, keeping us out of the U.N.’s strangling grip. And just because he doesn’t listen to the 50 percent of those sore-loser Americans who didn’t vote for him, does that make him wrong?

Anyway, the president’s advisors wouldn’t knowingly risk domestic and world chaos by putting our president in harm’s way, would they? And besides, should the unthinkable happen, we would always have our good Vice President Dick Cheney ready to take control. Who has a better grip on world affairs than Mr. Cheney?

Well, I’m convinced we need to move straight into Patriot Act Three to clean up this mess. Our president and his team are just the people for it. They are doing their best to put our interests before the world’s and they have shown time and again that they know what is best for everybody.

We should all stand behind our government and private leaders and quit thinking about things so much.

As for that Iraq mess … it is obvious that Republicans have the best ideas for taking care of that problem, so it makes perfect sense for us to send our Republicans to Iraq to take care of things, once and for all.

OK, so I did hear about a plot: there are rumors that some marijuana addicts are going to get together and surround the White House with a “smoke-in,” code name “Smoke Bush.” Knowing our president, I am confident that in assessing this latest threat, for a security alert, he will see red …

Terry Lamphier is a U.S. citizen hiding out in Grass Valley. “I hear Guantanamo is nice this time of year … .”

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