I solemnly swear: Road resolutions
As we once again draw near the season of road trips, let us stand in a circle, hold hands, and make these solemn resolutions:
— We will not trash out the car this year. At every rest stop, we will carefully gather all the waste paper, soda cans, candy wrappers and other road-trip refuse and place it in a garbage can. Then we will make a second trip to the trash can with the rest of it.
— We will not trim years from our life expectancy by failing to eat healthy food on this road trip. We will purchase a 100-pound bag of carrots for snacking before we leave. We will not tell ourselves that the candy bars with nuts in the gas station vending machine are a healthy alternative to a plain chocolate candy bars. Nor will we believe that strawberry soda pop contains vitamin C.
— We will not listen to country music on the road unless we listen to country music at home. If we are traveling across Wyoming and can get nothing on the radio except country music, we will turn off the radio.
— Neither shall we sing along with country songs. Especially not in Wyoming.
— Even on the second day of the road trip, we will dress as though someone we know might see us. We will not wear fuzzy pink slippers in the car.
— If we agree to play Roadside Bingo with our child, we will not cheat in an attempt to get the game over more quickly.
— No matter how strong the urge may be, we shall not throw our child’s Roadside Bingo set out the window.
— Ditto for the tape of children’s music sung by Barney, Baby Bopp and friends.
— We will carefully fold maps and put them away. This rule shall apply even on the second day of the trip.
— We will not entertain ourselves by signaling for truck drivers to honk their horns, unless we are willing to provide the same service for bored truck drivers.
— We will not go to truck stops and act as if we, too, are cool guys who could handle an 18-wheeler.
— On the return trip, we will not lie about our recent whereabouts to the Official State Greeters at the California inspection station. If we have been to Iowa, we will not tell them that we have been to Reno in hopes that they will wave us through.
— We will not try to eat the remaining 86 pounds of carrots in the 100-pound bag the last four miles before we arrive at the California inspection station. We will acknowledge that we were attempting to smuggle carrots into the state, and we will face the music. As long as it’s not country music.
John Seelmeyer is editor of The Union, and his column appears on Saturday.
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