His original equipment? Fido: ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ | TheUnion.com

His original equipment? Fido: ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’

Mike Drummond, Columnist
ALL | GrassValleyArchive

I am about to pass over to the other side. That’s right, my moustache is turning 40 soon. The nation’s computers already know this. For years they’ve sent me endless come-ons for whatever my baby-boomer age group was most susceptible to consuming at that moment.

Currently I’m getting applications for AARP and ElderHostel News, and fliers for Viagra, annuity rates, adult diapers and burial plots.

Thank you, mail-order folks! As an official old fogey, I have enough documentation that I won’t have to sit at the “little kids” table at my service club anymore. I’ll have to brush up on my service club small talk: maybe impress the big dogs with pithy observations about pseudo-macho stuff like shotguns, building codes, prostate surgery and IPOs.

Here is a great topic: testicles. Can’t get more macho than that! Gregg Miller of Buckner, Mo., has developed polypropylene and silicon testicular replacements for male dog castrati in his lab. I’d like to say FOR his Lab, but he has a bloodhound. A mixed- breed dog from the pound makes the best pet.

Anyway, these unique/eunuch implants are called Neuticles, and they wholesale for $30-$130 a pair. For those in need, that’s quite a bargain (or bark’n). Until now, a neutered dog couldn’t conceal the fact. While all dogs pant, most of them go pants-less. That first post-operative doggy tail-sniffing ID exchange was sure to result in a loss of canine self-esteem.

Or more likely, a loss of dog OWNER self-esteem. A lot of guys consider their dawgs to be symbolic extensions of themselves. The tail may wag the dog, but it’s often what’s hanging below the tail that wags the owner. Castrating anything male makes them swoon.

As with most things in life, one size does not fit all. There is a “vas deferens” between a shih-tzu and a Rottweiler. There are five doggie neuticle sizes, plus one for cats and another for horses or bulls. In three different “textures” guaranteed to look and feel (to whom?) natural. The recently snipped chihuahua’s owner might be tempted to try on an oversized pair fit for a doberman. An ego boost and a drag at the same time.

Over 50,000 castrated dogs are enjoying “new-found confidence in their doghood” and an inordinate number of admiring looks from their owners. The procedure is relatively rare (not to mention totally unnecessary) and is something of a status symbol and conversation starter (or ender). The folks at Neuticles actually offer keychains and necklaces with the real thing attached.

Things are sure to go nuts. If two are good, wouldn’t three or more in a variety of shapes be better? Or ones that make barking noises, contain licensing info, doggy sperm bank account numbers and deposit slips, or maybe a transponder for satellite tracking?

Deep in the etymology section of the dusty Clear Creek Ranch library, I discovered that testicle comes from an old Latin word testis, which means “to witness.” A perfect conversation ender for the next bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses that wanders onto the ranch unannounced.

Here’s an interesting tangent. One of the few words English adapted from Nahuatl, a Central American Uto-Aztecan language, is “ahuacatl,” or avocado. The word also means testicle among the Nahuatlans.

Talk about the possibilities for innocent misunderstandings around Uto-Aztecan service club dinner tables. And speaking of service clubs, I hope we aren’t having guacamole at this week’s luncheon. But I don’t have the aging you-know-whats to ask the chef. Depend on it. Where are my reading glasses?

Mike Drummond is a Nevada County writer whose column appears on Tuesday. You can write him in care of The Union, 464 Sutton Way, Grass Valley, 95945; or e-mail him at miked@theunion.com.

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