GOP slugfest leaves some black eyes | TheUnion.com
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GOP slugfest leaves some black eyes

“Hey Boom Boom, I heard a buncha’ Palookas went to da’ fights the other night and a Nevada County Republican Central Committee meeting broke out!”

“Dat’ so, Joe? Who got da betta a who?”

“Dey said Rene ‘Da French Kiss Of Death’ Antonson really stuck it to that guy who ran for supervisor awhile back, Greg ‘Da Sicilian Sixgun’ Seghezzi.



“But I don’t know, Boom Boom, ya know? Another Palooka said he saw da paper da next day and it said, “Seghezzi Decks Flagging Frenchie With Right Wing Roundhouse.”

“But heh, forget about it, ya know. Louie taped da’ whole thing for us, so let’s go see for ourselves.”




Later at Louie’s, the boys stick the tape in the VCR.

“Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.”

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I’m former heavyweight champ Pete ‘The Profane Petty Argument’ Wilson. Welcome to Nevada Square Garden, the legendary home of Republican boxing!

“Tonight’s main event is a special GOP-sanctioned square-off between strawweight champ Rene ‘The Faustian Fortune Cookie’ Antonson and his opponent, heavyweight also-ran Greg ‘So’s Your Old Man’ Seghezzi. I’m here with sidekick and former middleweight champ Newt ‘Never Saw It Comin’ Gingrich. What do you think we’ll see tonight Newtie?

“Antonson’s a brawler on the inside Pete, he’s got a wicked uppercut that rivals Mike Tyson’s in his heyday, but he can’t bite ears in the clinch like old Iron Mike could. His handlers wanted to call him Rene ‘French Toast’ Antonson but were worried that wouldn’t fly with the GOP Chefs’ Caucus.

“Can he take a punch, Newtie?”

“I haven’t seen him take a good shot yet, Pete, but my inside sources tell me his jaw is pure Pittsburgh, you know, plate glass.”

“How about Seghezzi?”

“He’s a calm guy outside the ring but he’s a bull elephant inside the ropes.

Like most Republicans, he’s got a tendency to throw his hammerjack right at any time and doesn’t really like to throw his left ever. But he’s got the best footwork I’ve seen since former lightweight challenger Barry “Just Nuke ‘Em Back To the Stone Age” Goldwater.

“Thanks, Newtie. Now lets go up to ringside to hear Michael “No on NH 2020″ Buffer announce tonight’s matchup.”

“Ladieeeeeees and gentlemen. Lllllllet’s get ready to rumblllllllllllle!

Please join with me for 12 rounds of exciting boxing to decide the Nevada County GOP Central Committee Championship!

In the red, white and blue corner, draped in Old Glory and weighing in at 155 pounds, the former champion whose been pummelled in his last two outings, Rene “The Freefall Frenchman” Antonson! In the black and blue corner licking his wounds is Greg “I Coulda’ Been a Contender” Seghezzi.

“At ringside watching tonight is an old friend to the Sweet Science, Izzy ‘Write In – Right On’ Martin. She scored flash knockdowns against both Antonson and Robin ‘Don’t Mention My Bankruptcy’ Sutherland in March primary bouts.”

“WWWWhir, ZZZZZZap, Snaaap!”

“Geez Louie, What happened to da tape?”

“Dunno Joe Boom, I guess it ate itself up from da inside and spit out what it couldn’t chew!”

“Kind-a sounds like the Nevada County Republican Party dis’ year, eh Boom Boom?”


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