Don Rogers: Dow soars, D.C. plays on
January 11, 2018
"Dude, hear the news?"
"Trump's insane? Knew that already, um, dude. Who doesn't?"
"What? Oh, the book by Kitty Kelly? No, I mean the real news."
"'Fire and Fury' was written by somebody Wolff. Who's this Kitty?"
“He’s out like Benedict Arnold. Breitbart’s fake news now, at least ‘til he’s gone.”
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"Gossip queen of the Reagan era. Wrote a bunch of pretty salacious unauthorized biographies back in the day, one about Nancy and the White House. Almost none of it was really true."
"Oh, this one's true, all right."
"Why do you say that? The author's just a tabloid hack, like your Kitty Kelly. They're peas in a pod. You can't believe that stuff."
"Oh I do. We watch it play out every day. The tweets, the briefings, the McDonald's wrappers …"
"OK, whatever. But look, what I'm talking about is the news about the stock market. You see the Dow? Over 25,000! Already! Wow! Man, we're really great again!"
"What's the crazy guy in the White House got to do with that?"
"Oh, please. The country's gone to hell."
"Except for the economy."
"Except for the rich people's economy. Where have you been?"
"Oh, I don't know, just noticing African American unemployment is way down. Same with the Mexicans. The legal ones. So much for Trump ruining life for minorities. Even coal is back. All the way!"
"You've got to be kidding."
"No! Look it up yourself."
"I mean, like, everything in life — he's been horrible for everyone. And he lies about all of it. Global warming, the Russians, those women, taxes, the wall, white nationalists, ahem, coal. He's going to blow us all up, you know, with this 'who has the bigger button' crap with North Korea."
"Huh? Where're you spending your time, on a college campus?"
"Where have you been spending yours, at the country club?"
"Well, I'm certainly not watching the NFL, those ungrateful knee-takers protesting America, everything that's great and wonderful about our very lovely country."
"Um, that's not what those protests are about. And besides, with the playoffs, even you're watching the games. I saw you switch to Fox as I came in."
"Best news source ever. Even the president watches it. Better than his intelligence services all put together!"
"Which is the problem."
"Why's that a problem? If you weren't watching and reading the fake stuff, you'd be a lot better informed, that's for sure."
"Try to keep up. They're fake."
"What? They weren't yesterday. What changed?"
"Yeah, he called Junior treasonous and everyone else stupid."
"I thought 'Fire and Fury' was all false gossip."
"It is. It is. Except for the Bannon parts."
"I thought the book was nothing but lies. Wouldn't that make Bannon's comments lies, too?"
"Why would you say that?"
"You trying to drive me crazy? Because it's in the book you said was all lies."
"Oh. Well. The Bannon stuff is right. The president said so."
"I thought he said the whole book was a crock."
"He's out like Benedict Arnold. Breitbart's fake news now, at least 'til he's gone. Oh, wait. Let me check this text alert. Now where's my glasses. … Ah, I have take it back about Breitbart. Bannon is gone."
"Let me try again. If what Bannon reportedly said in the book is true, how can the whole book be wrong?"
"I dunno. I'm just going by what the president said. He's a genius, you know."
"Just ask him."
"I didn't quite catch that. Did you say something?"
"I'm saying he'd have to be crazy —"
"Like a, wait for it, … a Fox?"
"OK, I give up. What stocks you recommending?"
Publisher Don Rogers can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or 477-4299.