Vote for the potato-looking guy and don’t sling too much mud
The opinions expressed in this column do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer, who is, let’s face it, just making these things up as he goes along.
On behalf of my fellow citizens, I’d like to urge those running for local office to start badmouthing each other with increased gusto. Quality entertainment isn’t always easy to find in a community as small as ours, and one of the only reliable sources of giggles are our local elections. Unforgivably, it seems this year’s batch of candidates are, for the most part, playing nice and treating each other like human beings, which is a terrible blow to local mudslinging enthusiasts.
Without mud being, um, slung, local voters can’t tell any real difference between the candidates, other than the graphic-design choices they make on their campaign signs. Does your candidate of choice put their whole name on their signs, or just their last name in big, bold letters? Sometimes they’ll include a helpful catchphrase on the sign, like “The Wisest Decision You’ll Ever Make” or “The Best Candidate Ever!” Tellingly, red, white and blue are common on the signs this year – the same color scheme as France’s flag! Coincidence?
Instead of doing their civic duty and berating each other unfairly, the candidates have been “sticking to the issues,” which is every bit as unpleasant and unsexy as it sounds. Their strategy seems to count on voters choosing candidates with positions and opinions close to their own.
This, of course, will backfire. As always, a third of the people will vote for the candidate who most resembles a potato. Another third will vote for the candidate whose name most easily inspires an inappropriate limerick. The remaining third usually forget to vote, but they were leaning towards the potato-looking guy.
It’s just the same in the statewide ballot measures. For instance, Proposition 55 hasn’t yet verbally attacked any of the other propositions. Surely there’s some dirt in Proposition 57’s past, but none of the other propositions are investigating it, which makes for a terribly boring election. Word on the street suggests that absolutely everyone knows about Proposition 56’s “business trip” to Las Vegas last summer, yet the papers can’t get a comment about it from any of the competing propositions. Meanwhile, the electorate yawns and looks at its watch.
With the Primary Election only days away, now is the time for candidates to go negative. Remember, it’s never too late to go negative. Well, until the election is over, then it’s too late. Then you’ll just seem like some weird sore loser, and nobody will vote for you.
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