Together, we can change bike history
Every year on Father’s Day, Nevada City is host to a collection of bicycle enthusiasts and enthusiastic bicyclists who descend on our city in order to take part in the annual Nevada City Classic.
This is sort of like a crab-walk race, except instead of walking like crabs, participants ride bicycles. That the event happens on Father’s Day is curious; in what is perhaps the ultimate irony, bicycles are incapable of fatherhood – but that’s something for the philosophers to mull over. I have weightier matters to consider.
My concern today is the so-called Curse of the Nevada City Classic: the sad fact that no locally based cyclist has ever won the race, which is unacceptable and damaging to our community. It runs counter to the accepted “home court advantage” tradition. I can just picture the triumphant cyclists leaving our area to return to their hometowns, laughing maniacally about their victory over our locals, here on our own course. It sickens me, and I advise other locals to feel equally sickened about it whenever possible.
I suggest we begin working now for next year’s race. We must scatter a series of diabolical booby traps throughout the course. Tar pits, rusty nails, flame-throwers – all the usual Acme brand methods endorsed by the beloved Looney Tunes characters. The day before the race, we’ll walk our local participants through the course, let them know which parts of the street are to be avoided and map out for them the exact path to stick to. Furthermore, the bicycles of our local cyclists will be equipped with oil slick dispensers and steel barb deployment devices to discourage foreign riders from following too closely.
By simply installing a Swiss Family Robinson-style tiger pit on Broad Street, the clueless out-of-town cyclists could be eliminated quickly and easily, allowing our local riders to finally taste victory.
The tiger, for his part, would finally taste clueless out-of-town cyclists.
As an extra precaution, local riders will also be given the option to carry a machete with them on the race, “just in case.” For maximum efficiency, local riders will be exempt from all federal and state laws during the race.
Any non-local rider who makes it past the gauntlet of traps and begins to approach the finish line will be tasered while their bicycle is dismantled and set ablaze.
We can beat the Curse together, as a community. I believe in the power of our community spirit, I believe in tiger pits, and I believe in you.
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