Lorraine’s Lowdown: Cruisin’ days | TheUnion.com
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Lorraine’s Lowdown: Cruisin’ days

Lorraine Jewett
Submitted to The Union

Dear Readers, please indulge me as I share funny snippets from my vacation aboard the Princess Regal, which ubered me and 3,600 of my closest friends around the Caribbean…

Where to Start regarding the cruise ship fender bender that happened just outside our balcony? The accident occurred in Cozumel when the Carnival Legend sliced into one of the Carnival Glory’s aft dining rooms. “Dahlink, I think that cruise ship is trying to butter your croissant with its bow!” So many questions! Would there be an upcharge for open air dining? Is there a shipboard credit if you help duct tape closed the gaping hole? How will the cruise line price interior cabins that now have ocean views..?

Apparently Parallel Parking is just as challenging on the open seas as it is on land, although steering as if you’re operating a wrecking ball makes fitting into small spaces easier. Note to Santa Claus: Stop buying cheaters at the Dollar Store, and give more expensive eyeglasses to cruise ship captains. Also: “Dear Captain, We hope you enjoy your new large-print navigation manual that we procured in the senior center library…”

Turns Out, a cruise ship is not just a floating petri dish. It’s also a gi-normously tall hotel perched on a small, wobbly raft. Really though, the snafu was just two ships passing in the night (oops, almost). I was crushed when my cabin mate told me to stop making fun of the accident. She warned I was going overboard…

A Comedian performing on our cruise ship was very funny yet never R-rated. He joked that his comedy routine was “as edgy as a circle.” He even offered marriage advice: “If you’re thinking about getting a divorce, think again. After so many years, are you really going to find someone better? Manage your marriage like you’re playing blackjack. If you’ve made it to 17, just stay…”

An Elderly Couple invited and paid for family members to accompany them on the cruise to witness their wedding. The couple met on a similar cruise the year before, and planned to tie the knot on this cruise. The “bride” took me aside and confessed, “None of them know it, but we eloped in Las Vegas weeks ago…”

I Didn’t See It, so it may merely be a cruise ship legend that a seasoned passenger writes his cabin number on the back of his calves in case of a fall…

One of Our Tour Guides for a horseback riding excursion in Jamaica was the young and lovely Moya, who had just completed her training and was hosting her first trip solo. She was shy about soliciting TripAdvisor reviews, but gamely incorporated our suggestions into her spiel: “If you enjoyed your trip, my name is Moya Lewis and I’d love a positive review. If you didn’t enjoy your trip, my name is Edith…”

Moya Shared Information about Jamaica’s history and culture. “It’s J’Amazin’ here!” She also explained how to distinguish the four seasons in Jamaica. “There’s summer, then summer, summer, and more summer…”

Prepping for that Horseback Excursion, guides delivered an endless list of rules and safety precautions, the necessity of which would prompt any American insurance company to cancel the tour’s policy. We suggested, “Just tell tourists the most important rule is to keep the horse between them and the ground…”

We Were Very Forgetful during the cruise. We forgot to visit the fitness center. Ever…

When Cruising prompts you to leave your cares behind, we call that becoming “Vacation Your Name Here.” As in, “Look at how Vacation Tom can snorkel!” or “Wow, Vacation Rose sure can dance!” Vacation Lorraine acquires no special skills. There were several mornings when my cabin mate prodded me gently while I prepped for the day: “Is your shirt inside out again…?”

This Probably Says more about my figure than my vacation state of mind, but one formal night I wore my gown backwards until a dining guest pointed out my faux pas…

A Sea Day Is a Day aboard the cruise ship that doesn’t involve taking tenders ashore or buses to remote destinations. My cabin mate was so excited that she exclaimed, “We’ve got a Snow Day…!”

Dog-friendly Ft. Lauderdale is the scene o’ the crime where we embarked and returned after our cruise. Pampered pooches are offered biscuits and water at the entrances to many stores, and the doggie bowls are marked with a sign that reads, “See you at Yappy Hour.” The dog in the sign is wearing sunglasses and drinking a Cosmopolitan…

Captain Bob of the river taxi warned me as I was snapping an endless stream of photos: “If you drop your phone in the river, I’m not diving for it. Consider it a donation to SpongeBob SquarePants…”

With His Own Twist on the “How to Get a Good Tour Review,” Captain Bob instructed departing passengers, “If you liked the service, hit up our website. If you didn’t like the service, write your complaint on a $50 bill and I’ll be sure to deliver it to the office…”

From Irish poet and playwright Oscar Wilde: “Live with no excuses and travel with no regrets…”

Next week it’s back to the “grind” that is our blissful NevCo existence. Send your bits of tid to LorraineJewettWrites@gmail.com


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