Helpful things to know about the Yuba |

Helpful things to know about the Yuba

One of the finest features of our area is the Yuba River, known to many as “the river,” and to people who wear a lot of beads as “Mama Yuba.” What’s disturbing is the number of people in our community who don’t understand the basics of correct river operation.

At one point, there was a brief, failed attempt to lock up all of these people and question their patriotism for arbitrary reasons. Instead, the following column has been declared mandatory reading for anyone at all interested in visiting the river this summer. And since you’re already 19 percent done with it, you may as well read the whole thing.

Many rivergoers worry about the dangers of sunburn, and rightly so. Scientists agree, the sun is a very hot thing, and as such is the leading cause of sunburn among sunburned people.

To guarantee your skin’s safety, dermatologists suggest avoiding the river completely, and instead spending all of summer in the waiting room of your local dermatologist’s office, enjoying Highlights Magazine and complimentary juice.

The sunscreen industry, for reasons as yet unknown, recommend all Americans spend as much money as possible on sunscreen and sunscreen-related promotional merchandise.

Most out-of-towners are unaware of this, but when visiting the more free-spirited sections of the Yuba River, it is customary to tip the naked people, as you would a waiter or a particularly helpful bellhop. This charming local tradition will, in theory, help them to purchase clothes, or, if you’re living during the Great Depression, help them acquire a clothing substitute, such as an oversized barrel held up with suspenders.

A cursory glance at the Yuba shows that there are many lovely rock formations all around the path of the river. Though these rocks are incredibly delicious and were unanimously praised by leading food critics as “tasting like the candy that angels get to eat on their birthdays,” they are sadly too hard for most human teeth to chomp through.

Indeed, four out of five dentists recently declared the rocks surrounding the Yuba as “not recommended for individuals trying to avoid toothlessness.” As an aside, the dissenting dentist is a terrible, terrible dentist and should be ashamed of himself.

The official county position on the rocks near the river is that they are there for visual enjoyment, hiking over and playfully throwing at people you don’t like.

While there are fish in the river, it’s important to note that these aren’t the sort of colorful, English-speaking fish found at the movies. Most of the fish you’ll find in the Yuba are a dull greenish-gray and speak in an unusual Romanian dialect, if at all.

While this is likely disappointing to rivergoers who were hoping to see some fish who capture all the glitz and glamour of Hollywood, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that rivergoers of that nature should probably develop some less ambitious hopes.

In summary, the river is a lovely place to swim, provided you’ve read this column, which you have.

By all means, take this opportunity to set the Prospector down neatly on a nearby table and scurry to the river, confident that your head will be kept afloat by the useful and surprisingly buoyant knowledge that now fills it.

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