Community and corn dogs: See you out at the Fair |

Community and corn dogs: See you out at the Fair

OK, I’m going to have to keep this one short. The rest of the newspaper always condenses around this time of year to make room for the oppressively large police blotter section that’s mysteriously required whenever the Fair rolls into town. I’m no sociologist, but it may have something to do with the amount of readily available beer, combined with all the flashing lights, loud noises and traveling carnival employees with nothing to lose. History will decide.

I’m led to believe this year’s Fair will not host the usual Fairest of the Fair Beauty Contest and simultaneous Audience Hollerin’ Competition. It’s a real shame, too. When I was a younger man, I used to imagine marrying the Fair Queen, finding a little home for the two of us on Treat Street and maybe adopting some of Job’s Daughters. Job clearly has more daughters than he can handle, and I enjoy corn dogs, so it’s a perfect, win-win situation. And I would have had a wife who owned an evening gown and had a talent. What a great, hypothetical life it was.

It seems nobody realizes the most terrible consequence of our lack of a Miss Nevada County crowning ceremony this year: Our despised arch-nemesis, Miss Fresno County, will have no one standing in the way of her despicable goal of claiming the crown of Miss California. And from there, can the title of Miss World be far from her diabolical grasp? Sure, there are optimists who say Miss Lassen County has a shot – but do these positive thinkers have any idea what Miss Lassen County is planning on doing for the talent competition? Reading a poem! And she didn’t even write it! Miss Fresno County will tear her apart! These are dire times, indeed.

Hey, you know what’s sane? The demolition derby.

Wait, did I type “sane”? Whoops! I meant to type “a disturbingly popular fairground event that will ultimately end in tragedy and we’ll all wonder why we ever allowed it in the first place.” Sometimes I feel like I must certainly be the clumsiest typist ever when I make mistakes like that.

Inarguably, though, the Fair provides needed services for the people of our community. It’s a last hurrah for kids before they’ve got to go back to school. They get to run all over the place and eat crazy food and go on all these sweet rides. They get to pay some dude a couple bucks for the chance to throw a beanbag at a thing – and maybe win a small stuffed animal filled with sawdust or a little square mirror with a Danzig logo on it. The Fair gives our local livestock a chance to hang out and wish each other good luck. And that’s what it’s all about, man: community and fellowship. But mostly corn dogs. And cinnamon rolls.

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