Savannah Hanson: Resign as your own teacher
“All uncertainty is fear. All fear is doubt about one’s self.” — A Course of Love
We are living in unprecedented energetic times. Many will experience loss during these times and be tempted to reside in fear, negativity or victimization. Yet each of these states keep us looping in suffering. So of course we want to get free.
We take workshops, classes, listen to videos and read books to find our way out of the pressure of suffering. We meditate, chant and pray, hoping for things to be different, for our bodies to feel peaceful. We try to control our reactions and emotions and then judge ourselves if we fail. Or we try to control others hoping a change in their behavior would make us feel better.
Yet ultimately, we will conclude all our efforts at control fail. We recognize all our plans have not gotten us the inner harmony we crave. So what to do? “A Course of Love” tells us to resign as our own teacher. Now this made no sense to me for a long time. What does that even mean? Over time, I came to recognize we can not direct the course of our own awakening. Rather, all we can do is take the initial vital step of being wiling and then the process of return to Source simply proceeds. We stop trying to control our reactions, our minds. Yes, we meditate if we are directed to do so, yes, we go to the courses and workshops. Yet we do so with no expectations or judgments about our “progress.” We simply (ha) trust that once we have made the decision to stop seeking externally for answers, rather to intend to know our own true identity, we have done what is necessary and the train has left the station. We simply take the ride.
I see so many student, clients, friends blaming themselves if they suffer, endlessly questioning what they are doing wrong. This is catnip for the ego who gobbles up our self criticism and doubt. We can loop endlessly in our quest to kill off the ego.
What I have discovered once I resigned as my own teacher is that the process simply unfolds once it is set in motion. I love and embrace whatever shows up, be it a sorrow or a joy. When great loss occurs, it may feel impossible to accept and embrace. So we accept our non acceptance, we hold love and empathy for our own hearts, whatever is arising. If we think we are in control, we will be caught in the self blame game. It is inevitable. I did this to myself, I have to take responsibility for what happens. The spiritual axiom twists the truth into a way of keeping ourselves on the hook. Yes, at some level we choose this journey and the details of our own awakening. That does not mean we can alter outcome with control.
The special relationship is the ego’s great ploy to keep us lost in the maze of our own unworthiness. If we have an external “idol” (something or someone we prize more than ourself), it will always ultimately fail us. Then we seek another until they all fail and we finally have enough. When I committed to ending this pattern within and did ritual about it, I then sought to make the dissolving and integration happen. No such luck. It is only when I truly surrendered and simply let it play out that I could exit judgment and self attack. Interestingly, as the relationship has begun to dissolve, I have had to face how much attachment is still involved.
We want to be free AND we want to keep our attachments. It takes great courage to face an internal emptiness that is the guardian to the kingdom within. Our souls will direct when and how this release will transpire.
There is such freedom in resigning as our own teacher thus releasing all the resulting guilt that invariable accompanies the idea it is our fault if we seemingly fail to disentangle ourselves from the ego.
Ultimately we come to a place where we halt all seeking, recognizing the very seeking blocks us from finding, rather Knowing what is already there. As Adyashanti has said, “The role of the spiritual practice is basically to exhaust the seeker.” The final surrender is into the knowing we have always been that which we seek.
For information on private sessions or classes or to schedule a free 20-minute consultation, contact Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT #40422 at 530-575-5052 or RisingasLove@gmail.com.
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