Savannah Hanson: From hole to whole, embracing eternity
For many years I had been seeking a simple “w;” I realized that the big hole I felt in my center could become whole with a simple “w.” I literally made a clay “w” and hoped for the best. Yet most use any means possible to avoid that feeling of internal emptiness.
Celestial events stir the pot of unconsciousness, allowing seeming monsters to emerge from the depths of forgotten childhood trauma and deeply subconscious patterns. Yet so too are forgotten memories of joy and home. A session with a client yesterday allowed a long disregarded memory to surface and reveal the way it has played out in self hatred and deeply ingrained subconscious patterns of limitation and suffering. Yet another client is resting in the simple joy of her own being after plumbing the depths.
Many will have severe discomfort arise while others have new awareness surfacing, discovering a new found joy and peace. What exist at the root of all this suffering? My experience tells me it is believing the lies the mind attempts to throw at us. The last weeks had me staring into the jaws of my own emptiness as my final special relationship crumbled into dust. It is hard to see the cost of these relationships, the way they beggar us to something external, something that can leave us even if it is ultimately through death. Few realize how destabilizing it is to depend on someone else, how unsettling it is to the nervous system to be so dependent on something or someone outside of ourselves.
It is only when my last such relationship dissolved that I was finally willing and able to see the cost. If we will not turn within, explore the depths of our wounds, the sense of profound emptiness, the yawning gap we experience when all our idols and props are removed, we will never know the holding power of the eternal, the incredible sense of ease and peace that comes from looking within and finding something solid, something immovable, something certain in the very core of our being.
When we first look into this internal emptiness it may feel like we are jumping off of a cliff, staring into an abyss. It can feel like a steep descent even to be willing to look at how bereft we feel on our own. Most of this will be deeply unconscious and out of the purview of common experience. It takes great courage and willingness to look into what may feel like forbidden territory. That is why so few find the gifts that are inevitably available to those that take the hero’s journey into the deep inner center of our own being. Few will explore the instability to the entire structure of such relationships, be they with a person, a place or a thing. Romance novels and movies promise unending love for those who will never give up the search for the perfect other. This seeking distracts us from finding the perfection of our own being. It keeps us defending ourselves rather than surrendering to vulnerability. Finally facing that nothing external will “save” us requires great fortitude to be willing to explore the emptiness that initially arises with this realization.
Yet a new way of waking up is arising that requires no such periods of navel gazing but rather offers the possibility to know our wholeness now. A few are beginning to find this short cut home. We choose to keep our attention on who we are without concepts, idols or struggle and awaiting the mystery to restore us to peace. This involves surrendering planning and control, something most do not yet find easy.
Whether we are on the most direct path or the long winding one, my direct experience shows me what I knew intellectually for decades, had whiffs of for a few years and have directly tasted more frequently recently, the incredible peace, the absolute certainty of this inner Presence that we witness when we explore our own depths and discover eternity. The sense of relief and Homecoming are simply indescribable except to perhaps say it is Love without opposite, with no fear it will turn out to be false or disappear. Yes, the ability to hold the knowing still wavers like a flickering candle. Yet the certainty of direct contact with this inner holding, this exquisite tenderness, this unfailing welcome is enough to keep all of us glued to the willingness to do whatever it takes until this lands as our foundation.
For information on private sessions or classes or to schedule a free 20-minute consultation, contact Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT #40422 at 530-575-5052 or RisingasLove@gmail.com.
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