Savannah Hanson: Beyond specialness, at home within
Once you depend on others, you are losing your soul. … You are looking at others — somebody else to save you, somebody else to help you. You go begging without recognizing this whole kingdom is yours. — Osho
Seeking salvation in another is what “A Course in Miracles” calls special relationships. It names it as the ego’s most prized gift to keep us unaware of our own true Identity and limitless nature. Many will endless loop in trying to make another the source of their well being. Yet they can get furious and blame the other when they are unable to fulfill the impossible requirement of trying to save another from their own suffering.
It can take years, lifetimes to see the trap inherent in “special” relationships. Most of us will switch from one relationship to another after someone fails to meet our needs. We act as beggars seeking food without realizing our own ability to feed ourselves with a banquet.
Right now, many relationships are collapsing. Yogananda instructed us to disrupt all relationships. It is only in this cracking open, in this disruption that we may be able to finally let go of the idea that we are not whole within ourselves. Many will hang on to outdated relationships, perhaps disliking or even hating their partner. It can feel too scary to let go and face the void of our own inner feelings of inadequacy or the fear of beginning again alone.
Avoiding facing this inner emptiness is what keeps most chasing after external satisfaction. It can seem impossible to believe we can be enough within ourself. My own dive into this inner emptiness on Easter of this year felt like an exorcism.
Yet here is the great irony. Until we are willing to be with this inner emptiness, to embrace it with curiosity, tenderness and the most extraordinary compassion, we will remain uneasy, unsettled, afraid. We are perceiving ourselves as homeless while living in a palace. No words can convey the welcome that anoints us when we are finally willing to look within and embrace EVERYTHING we discover. I used to say that my two world travels were necessary until I was willing to not seek for the answer in some place or person and finally explore my own inner landscape.
Circumstances have created a huge shift in my last special relationship. This disruption has been the greatest gift and one of the scariest experiences of my life. From my earliest experiences of dating until now, I have continued to inquire into my own addiction to seeking love externally. I even remember when my daughter started kindergarten and it felt as though love were literally leaving me. I am not sure I would have the courage to let go of this relationship that seeming kept me safe, albeit in a small, not very exciting world, if circumstances had not forced this breech upon me.
Yet ultimately we will simply have had enough of suffering, enough of seeking. It can be the very pressure of the fear that actually forces us to choose again, to find another way. I am hearing of many long term relationships dissolving. We finally have enough courage to know we deserve to be in an environment that feels harmonious.
The miracle is once we finally develop the chutzpah to see what is inside of us, we will find a Presence that holds us in all circumstances. This goes by many names such as Higher Self or Spacious Presence. Then we realize it is our own nature that has been there holding us all the time. Now we simply are able to access it directly rather than have it be a forgotten shadow figure. Knowing this inner holding and peace is indescribable.
What we discover within is so quiet, so gentle, so initially elusive we may miss it in our mad search for something that seems more tangible. We must get still, silent, slow way down to witness this inner holding. Yet joy arrives when we do, when we stop running and discover this extraordinary inner landscape of beauty and majesty where we expected a nightmare of broken dreams. We are finally Remembering something eternal, something that can never go away, be lost of stolen, leave us bereft. Ironically, after this inner welcome, access to relationships that are holy, whole, joyful and truly supportive may arrive.
Ah dear friends, how can I speak to you of this inner being that I experience through the words “I am here for you.” This inner Presence is a great gift. It is immovable, unshakable, limitless. Yes, continuous entrance to this certainty still feels elusive. Yet this is the treasure I have sought all my life. The seeking ends here, at Home within.
For information on private sessions or classes or to schedule a free 20-minute consultation, contact Savannah Hanson, M.A., MFT #40422 at 530-575-5052 or RisingasLove@gmail.com.
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