Meg Luce: Do you talk to your spouse through your pets or children? Woof, you’re not alone

I remember my mom using this tactic when I was growing up. Prompting us kids, she’d say, “Wouldn’t it be nice if Dad would make fudge tonight?” Before you could blink an eye, four children were stampeding to the den, rousting my dad out of his chair by chanting, “Fudge, fudge, tell the judge!”

Some other examples of this everyday indirect communication are:

“Are you kids cold? Maybe Mom will let us turn up the heat so no one freezes!”

Or while holding your pet chihuahua, “No one else gives hugs around here. So I guess I will cuddle with you, Fifi.”

Or to your kitty, “Poor baby. Is anyone going to the store to get your cat food today?”

Why on earth are we talking through the children and pets instead of to each other?

Something about it seems easier than speaking directly about things. Sometimes it’s hard to tell your spouse what you want, so you say it to Fido or Junior. And what do you know, your spouse just happens to be in the room.

I don’t have a therapy dog at my office, but I hear about many couples communicating through their kids and pets. Maybe I should have an office dog to whom people can pour out their hearts while the spouse sits and listens.

There are a few common reasons why I’ve seen couples talk through their children and pets besides it being plain old fun.

• They’ve never learned how to communicate well
• When growing up, their parents told them to stuff their feelings
• They don’t want to be “mean” to their spouse

Just last week, someone in couples therapy said how she was afraid to bring something up with her spouse because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

However, being direct doesn’t have to be mean. And people can learn to communicate clearly as adults. Also, emotions aren’t destructive and don’t need to be stuffed.

While some behaviors may be offensive, being gently direct about emotions can be one of the kindest ways to express yourself. That way, those stuffed feelings don’t pop out in a passive-aggressive fashion or over some random incident of anger displacement.

So, if you’re feeling muzzled in your communication, you don’t have to use your children or pets to deliver your messages. And rather than woofs, arfs, or yips, to get your point across, stop and think. What do I want to say? How can I say it nicely and directly? You’ll have your relationship purring in no time.

Meg Luce, M.S., is a Marriage and Family Therapist in Grass Valley specializing in helping couples create satisfying relationships. You can find her contact info at https://NevadaCountyTherapist.com