Here’s the kicker…
January 3, 2019
A few weeks ago my boyfriend Andy and I went to the cinema. It's relatively rare that we agree on a film to watch together. I like everything from French arthouse to mega blockbusters while he likes what I refer to as "fake rock" movies – you know, the kind where the cowboy hero shoots his six-gun amidst a bunch of obviously plaster boulders.
So for us to unanimously vote to watch Bohemian Rhapsody was a real feat.
We admittedly were running about 5 minutes late, which means I went into the theater with preexisting anxiety; I hate to miss a moment of any movie I watch. We quickly found a seat near the front of the auditorium and settled in.
A few minutes later, it began. I felt a vigorous shaking of my seat, a hard tapping near my shoulders, radiating down into the nethers of the cushion. Glancing sideways I realized: "We've got a kicker here."
A group of what appeared to be teenage girls were seated behind us, their feet resting atop my seat and those next to mine. With each exciting moment in the screenplay, they'd kick as if they were tiny infants, eager to move their legs.
The kicking didn't stop. In a painfully unpredictable fashion, the kicks would thunder through the furniture into my very being.
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I wasn't eager for a conflict so I tried my best to let it go. "A few unpleasant looks ought to straighten them out," I thought to myself. Guess what? It didn't work. It was maddening.
I immediately thought of the scene from my favorite TV show Seinfeld wherein the character George Costanza was so angered by people talking through a movie, he let loose with a rant that garnered applause from his fellow moviegoers.
"Shut your traps and stop kicking the seats!" he yelled. "And if I have to tell you again, I'm gonna take you outside and show you what it's like!"
George went way farther than any reasonable person should, but don't think I didn't fantasize about taking a page from his book. Truthfully, I was too timid to just ask the girls to stop like I should have. Instead I will use my experience to remind you all of movie etiquette: don't talk above a whisper, turn off those cell phones, and be aware of where you put your feet. (This isn't just directed at teens; adults are equally guilty of ill cinema behavior.)
Just kick back and enjoy the movie. The conversation can wait until it's over.
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