Jim Mullen: The bottom 10 list
You know those Top 10 lists that crop up every year around this time? Forget those. Instead, here are the worst things about 2019 — from “awful” at number 91 through “somehow even worse” at number 100.
You might call it the Bottom 10 List.
91. Meet-the-Baby Parties
I went to your wedding, even though you’d already been living together for two years (still waiting for the thank-you note for that cappuccino machine, by the way) and I really don’t think your marriage is going to last that long. So do I really have to show up to this excuse for a party? Besides, I know it’s a celebration, but should the new mom really be having another glass of box wine? I’d wait till after the second or third kid to start drinking.
92. The “Game of Thrones” Ending
Sure, Tyrion should have become king of the Seven Kingdoms, joined A.A., married Sansa (again) and lived happily ever after, but what did you think you were watching? A fairy tale?
93. Un-Social Media
The subdivisions of this item could form a whole additional Bottom 10 list. Likes. Retweets. Followers. Influencers. Why do we have to have a comment or a response for every single thing? “Saw that picture of your lunch. Heart symbol.” Followed by 3 million people.
There’s a theory out there that if something tastes bad, it must be good for you. But there’s also a theory that if something tastes bad, it just tastes bad.
95. Gummy Medicines and Supplements
Oh, grow up! Stop eating like you’re a 6-year-old. If you’re old enough to pay for your own medicines, you’re old enough to swallow them.
96. Binge-Watching TV
How did sitting on a sofa for 14 hours eating GrubHub deliveries ever become a thing? After all, we hear so many people on their deathbeds say, “I only wish I’d spent more time watching TV.”
97. “Tell Us How We Did With Your Order” Emails
I paid you money and you sent me my item. On a scale of 1 to 10, how annoying is it to get an email from you asking me to give you a 10 for doing your job? I would say 11.
98. “OK Boomer”
Shut up, millennial. If it weren’t for boomers, you would still have a crew cut, be wearing ties to high school and listening to Pat Boone records. You can thank us every time you don’t get drafted, do something silly with your hair, get a tattoo or a giant gauge in your ear, or hear a great band. We are the reason why you can get away with all that. WE got beat up for having a Beatles haircut so YOU could have a dorky man-bun. You’re welcome.
99. Naming Storms That Aren’t Hurricanes
It’s so good to know that I’m being rained on by Storm Chad, and not just any old storm. I don’t know how we lived without that for so long.
Have you ever in your life had a discussion about this with a friend? Neither have I. Yet for some reason, the media thinks we care. Half the time, I can’t find out what happened in my own town from the local news, but somehow I know that all of Britain has their knickers in a twist. And the Britons are bored with it. And knowing all about Brexit is going to change my life exactly how? Oh yeah — not one iota.
Contact Jim Mullen at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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