Please Don’t Read This Column! | TheUnion.com

Please Don’t Read This Column!

Cannabis satire for our times

Martin Webb

Joy face marijuana character cartoon vector illustration

Your parents probably warned you numerous times about bad influences, and how to look for and spot red flags that indicate a possible bad influence, and how to stay away from those things that lead you astray in life. This would be one of those times. What, the title of the column wasn't RED FLAG enough for you? Well, ok then…you asked for it…read on…

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LOCAL NEWS

First off, rumors have been flying about the progress of the county-appointed Community Advisory Group, also known as the CAG (coincidentally the same sound a smoker makes when choking on poorly cured pot). The CAG has been holding regular public meetings in order to help figure out what the final Nevada County cannabis cultivation land use rules will be for the year 2027, which is when most experts predict the final round of bad ordinance/ballot initiative/bad ordinance/ballot initiative/lawsuit/bad ordinance/ballot initiative/bad ordinance/CAG/bad ordinance/lawsuit/bad ordinance/ballot initiative/CAG/ordinance is expected to finally play out at the county government level.

Next, in local trends we can report a new emerging street lingo term called “dab tooth.” This describes the phenomenon of someone who - during the process of ingesting cannabis via smoking a sticky concentrate such as wax, shatter or hash oil (aka “dabbing”) - has somehow managed to get a small piece of it in their mouth and on their teeth, becoming nearly impossible to dislodge and creating a small awkward noticeable brown spot on one prominent tooth.

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Of course, by that time it is also expected that the majority of Nevada County supervisors will actually be self-identified pot growers of some sort, whether personal or commercial (or both!), and that within ten years' time, the well-known gated communities and golf courses in places like Lake Wildwood and Lake of the Pines will be undergoing a transformation to become local gated pot farm communities. Instead of a golf course consisting of putting greens, they will have been transformed into "budding greens," alongside new disc golf courses, and the existing clubhouses will become "resident only" dispensaries, with free delivery services available to the gated community's elderly and infirm.
But that's in 2027…don't get too excited yet.

Next, in local trends we can report a new emerging street lingo term called "dab tooth." This describes the phenomenon of someone who – during the process of ingesting cannabis via smoking a sticky concentrate such as wax, shatter or hash oil (aka "dabbing") – has somehow managed to get a small piece of it in their mouth and on their teeth, becoming nearly impossible to dislodge and creating a small awkward noticeable brown spot on one prominent tooth. With the growing popularity of dabbing countywide, the spread of "dab tooth" has increased exponentially, with some keen observers even remarking that they thought they recently recognized dab tooth on one of our county supervisors' choppers during a recent Board of Supervisors meeting.

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STATE NEWS

The exciting news at the California state level is that they have finally combined ALL of the various laws and ballot initiatives that have passed in the last few years, both state and local, governing both medical and recreational use, and combined them into one giant regulatory reform bill that was signed by the governor to great fanfare from all sides. The new law is now known as the over-arching framework that governs everything cannabis-related on the state and local level, and is commonly referred to by its new easy to remember acronym: AUMMCURRRAMMRBRARGARAMUOCAKAMCWPSCTATIMMDMPBKMAAYERTAHTSIAHHDTCWPVOTNA (the Adult Use Medical Marijuana Cannabis Use Reform Regulatory Re-commissioning Act Making Mandatory Ruleage Both Requestable And Re-modifiable Governing Adult Recreational And Medical Use Of Cannabis Also Known As Marijuana Can We Please Stop Combining The Acronyms This Is Making Me Dizzy Male Pattern Baldness Kitten Muffin Albatross Are You Even Reading This Anymore Hey That Senator Is Asleep He Has Dab Tooth Can We Please Vote On This Now Act).

In other state news, while Californians wait for January 1, 2018, when legal licensing and recreational retail sales can begin taking place, Nevada passed its own law via ballot initiative, creating a slew of recreational adult dispensaries that are beginning to open up along the CA border. Reports of "running out of pot" in Nevada were met with an immediate statewide price hike, followed by a wink and nudge from nearby Northern California, which quickly began upping exports to Nevada at record levels and at higher profit margins, resulting in rumored financial kickbacks to various officials in Nevada, which you definitely did not read about here. I have no idea what you're even talking about. Please walk away from me.
The Tahoe region already has one new recreational storefront in North Lake Tahoe, creating a sudden surge of visits to Tahoe from the Nevada County area. However many attempted pot tourists have turned back at the state line, once they encounter the regular gauntlet of protesting Ridge hippies that has begun assembling on both sides of the street at the CA/NV border, shaking their fists at passersby (and doing window deals for anyone with a doctor's note).

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NATIONAL NEWS

At the federal level, cannabis is in the news again, with leaks coming out of the White House indicating that there are now weekly urine tests being performed on all high-level staffers, as per President Trump's orders, in what's being called "purely an effort to detect THC and THC only." According to anonymous sources within the White House that are familiar with the practice, it is because "at this stage in the Trump administration, with so much chaos being manufactured daily" and "so many absurd statements made every week" it had become clear that "somebody must be high…or somebodies."

Unsubstantiated rumors coming out of the White House say that there are some staffers who came into their positions already smoking marijuana daily, and were helping to create some of the chaos whether intentional or unintentional, which then led to many other staffers taking up a habit of daily pot smoking just to cope with the stress of their new job. The same rumors claim that this is why the Trump administration seems to be on auto-pilot, as most staffers can be found most days down in the White House cafeteria, laughing their asses off watching cable news and demanding more crumb cake from the chef, instead of at their desks following orders.
That's what the rumors say anyway. I don't know if I believe them. I just repeat them to lots of people that I don't know.

There, are you satisfied? I tried to warn you. I told you not to read this. But you did anyway. Hope you're happy.

Martin Webb lives in your imagination.

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