The Union is one of the few newspapers that still prints items from its local law enforcement agencies’ dispatch reports, and they are among the most-read articles in the paper.
While serious news takes place in those reports — things you’d want to know about if they happened on your street — the Police Blotter also reveals the human condition in all its frailty and, sometimes, its humor. These were some of our favorites from the second half of 2013:
June 19: 7:36 p.m. — A man from Oscar Drive reported he was lonely and just wants a friend. He sounded very drunk. He called back at 8:12 p.m. and wanted a friend to visit him because he was lonely. He called again at 8:27 p.m. and wanted to know when a deputy was coming by. He was advised no friends tonight.
June 19: 9:49 p.m. — A man from the 11000 block of Fairy Ring Mushroom Court reported his neighbor’s goat keeps coming over and head-butting his dog, who is injured. He told the neighbor to keep the goat off his property and was threatened.
June 23: 12:15 p.m. — A caller from the 11000 block of Scotts Flat Dam Road reported three suspicious men who stopped talking as soon as they saw the caller; they had been saying, “This is the perfect place to do it.” They were pretending to fish and had brand-new fishing equipment that they never took out of the box.
July 2: 6:55 a.m. — A caller from the 10000 block of Broad Street reported a human traffic hazard. A woman was doing aerobics on the double yellow line in the middle of the road, and doing freeze poses when vehicles drove by.
July 16: 9:55 p.m. — A caller from the 300 block of Crown Point Circle reported five to six people smoking marijuana, who have a lit tiki torch. They were found to be eating Taco Bell.
Aug. 8: 9:30 p.m. — A man from Nevada Street reported his roommate won’t leave him alone with “egotistical stuff.” The situation was mediated.
Aug. 16: 10:21 p.m. — A man from the 12000 block of Ridge Road reported his wife and mother spent all his cash and he wants it back. He then cussed out dispatch.
Sept. 3: 10:46 p.m. — A man from Tiger Lily Lane reported a woman was threatening suicide. She said she was not suicidal, he was angry because she caught him in bed with a prostitute. Both had been drinking.
Sept. 22: 3:54 a.m. — A caller from the jail reported three inmates were extremely drunk due to ingesting hand sanitizer; staff was handling.
Oct. ???: 9:38 a.m. — A woman from the 100 block of South Church Street reported she was a good girl and a good citizen, that she almost passed out “doing the constitution rights,” and that she was being robbed by three-strike thieves. She also said she was studying for the bar and was going to be an undercover cop and a doctor for Hospice.
Oct. 6: 1:11 p.m. — A caller from the 10000 block of Wolf Drive reported a verbal argument with another person who could be heard screaming “revolution” in the background.
Oct. 6: 9:43 p.m. — A man from the 300 block of Sutton Way reported being harassed by a 10-year-old boy, who was claiming his son stole two Pokemon cards from him.
Oct. 15: 5:36 p.m. — A man from Penn Valley demanded a stay-away order and became agitated when informed that restraining orders were issued through the courts, saying he might have been robbed. He called back to report the theft of a cupcake and was advised of the proper use of 911.
Oct. 17: 4:10 p.m. — A man from the 10000 block of Boulder Street was extremely drunk and wanting to report a traffic issue. He did not want to be transferred to the CHP. At 4:40 p.m., he wanted an officer to come over and look in the phone book for the number for CHP. He was provided the number and hung up. At 6:25 p.m., he reported an officer was rude. He said he did not have an emergency, but that he could only get a response by calling 911. He was advised it was a crime to call 911 without an emergency.
Nov. 9: 5:34 p.m. — A caller from the 15000 block of Alpha Road reported her son just spit in her face and she would like him arrested. She has saved the spit and will have it with her.
Nov. 10: 8:40 p.m. — A woman from Carey Drive reported her boyfriend keeps calling and badgering her to go to either Brazil or Australia. She wants someone to make him stop calling her about this issue.
Nov. 11: 9:25 a.m. — A caller from West Main and Townsend streets reported an approximately 9-year-old boy in a black suit with a white undershirt, carrying a duffel bag and asking people where to find a motel. He was returned to his residence.
Nov. 12: 1:19 a.m. — A caller from the 15000 block of Fay Road requested the fire department for a possible nightmare.
Nov. 15: 2:38 p.m. — A woman from Butte View Drive reported a man called and said he was from the NSA and had video footage of her son exposing himself on camera. She said her son needed to write an apology letter. Her son is 8.
Nov. 16: 11:19 p.m. — A caller from West Hacienda Drive and Combie Road reported a loud party; the caller said it was drunken miners who had a karaoke machine. They agreed to quiet down.
Nov. 21: 2:40 a.m. — A caller from the 1000 block of Sutton Way reported two women stole tweezers, diabetic socks and Extenz testosterone.
Nov. 24: 1:49 p.m. — A man from the 800 block of Sutton Way reported a possibly drunken man at the ATM was throwing pine nuts at him.
Dec. 2: 10:22 p.m. — A man from the 100 block of Stennett Street reported his grandmother came after him with a cookie sheet and then a pan before he fled.
Dec. 19: 10:48 p.m. — A man approached the Grass Valley Police Department seeking assistance because his wife was wearing handcuffs and couldn’t get them off.
Dec. 20: 1:14 p.m. — A man from Zion Street reported a business owner is trying to hurt him; he said when he walks by the business, he gets a headache. He called back to report the Mormon Nazis are plotting a murder against him. He said the business owner shoots rays at his head as he walks by; he was advised to walk another way.
Dec. 28: 10:41 a.m. — A caller from the 100 block of Neal Street reported a man involved in a physical fight with a shopping cart who was hitting the cart and asking people for money.