The Union is one of the few newspapers that still prints items from its local law enforcement agencies’ dispatch reports, and the daily police blotter is among the most popular articles in the paper.
While the blotter reports more serious crimes, such as burglaries and vandalisms, it also offers an unmatched peek into the human psyche. Some newspapers choose to rewrite the items, adding their own twist, but The Union finds the unadorned entries to be far funnier.
Here are some of our favorite blotter entries from 2012.
Jan. 14 — At 2:09 p.m., a man from the 900 block of Morgan Ranch Drive reported hearing shots in Deer Creek Canyon below. He heard them after the 49ers made a touchdown, and he believed the shots may have been celebratory.
Jan. 18 — At 12:37 a.m., a man from the 100 block of King Court reported someone named “Mumbles” threatened him.
Jan. 19 — At 6:57 a.m., a woman from the 300 block of Hughes Road reported a man with red hair was looking in her room from a ladder. She then said she had been drinking and it was her imagination.
Jan 20 — At 12:22 a.m., a caller from the 13000 block of Blue Jay Hill Road reported a large incoherent man stuck in a hot tub.
Jan. 21 — At 12:15 p.m., a caller from Kmart reported a male subject of middle age was talking about spaceships and other matters and subsequently removed his pants.
Feb. 4 — At 11:45 p.m., a caller on the 29300 block of Highway 49 in North San Juan reported death threats from her daughter in law, who was described as the daughter of Satan.
March 7 — At 9:24 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of East Main Street reported a man wearing a Burger King crown ran into the store and said a biker gang was after him.
March 9 — At 12:08 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Glasson Way reported a patient “eloped.” He took his IV out and left on foot. He allegedly was intoxicated and had a severed appendage in a glove. He then returned and was causing a scene. He was being treated when officers arrived. At 2:46 p.m., a caller reported the man had left the emergency room again and no longer had his finger.
March 27 — At 6:13 p.m., a caller from Townsend Street and Scotia Pines Circle reported a woman with minimal clothing leaning against a stop sign for two hours, who was taking her clothes off. It was found to be a mannequin.
April 22 — At 2:23 a.m., a caller on the 20400 block of California Street screamed that the mongoloids are coming to get her. The caller’s boyfriend got on the phone and indicated that his girlfriend had been off her medication for some time.
April 23 — At 5:02 p.m., a woman on Cone Tree Trail said the manager treated her “like a slave” and doesn’t feed her. She asked for a welfare check on herself and then described the manager as “demented.”
May 2 — At 8:22 a.m., a caller from the 100 block of West Berryhill Drive reported a man assaulted another man. They were reportedly on the ground, fighting over taking out the trash. No charges were desired.
May 12 — At 10:54 a.m., a man from the 100 block of Primrose Lane reported that his wife left him and took the dog. The man said he wants the dog back.
May 21 — At 1:54 p.m., a caller from Kidder Avenue reported a man in a Batman and Robin suit walking up and down the street, possibly recording things.
May 24 — At 8:26 a.m., a woman from the 18000 block of Iron Clad Ranch reported seeing a woman who looked like a murdered girl. It might have been deja vu. She was advised to call the Sheriff’s Office.
May 25 — At 4:28 a.m., a man from the 400 block of South Auburn Street reported being injected with HIV by the government. He also said he had a Doomsday device, and that he has a left-handed DNA molecule that is going to eat up all the carbon in the world.
June 12 — At 10:12 a.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Washington Road reported a very drunken person was threatening the caller with a cowbell and a water bottle full of iced tea.
June 14 — At 8:05 a.m., a caller from the 28000 block of Lake Vera-Purdon Road reported a rabid rabbit.
July 18 — At 12:26 p.m., a caller from Layla Lane reported a man locked a woman in a closet. He possibly was trying to get bees out of her hair and was leaving after she broke numerous items belonging to him.
Aug. 7 — At 2:29 p.m., a caller from the 1100 block of East Main Street reported a man ran in, stole an adult toy and fled on a bicycle.
Aug. 28 — At 8:19 p.m., a man near the intersection of Rustic and Prospector roads reported that he killed a deer with a bow and arrow, then his neighbor stole it and refused to return it.
Sept. 8 — At 2:29 p.m., a caller from the 15000 block of Mt. Olive Road reported a woman wearing gypsy clothing and excessive makeup was yelling continent names out the window and trying to lure children into a vehicle.
Oct. 15 — A man from Kidder Avenue reported an assault; he had bruising to the face and missing teeth. He did not want to file a report because they had “hugged it out.”
Oct. 17 — At 7:26 p.m., a man from the 15000 block of Green Way Place reported a neighbor was spraying water over the fence at him while he was having a Bible study. The situation was resolved without law enforcement.
Oct. 20 — At 3:03 a.m., a drunken man from Highway 49 and Ladybird Drive reported lots of paparazzi, Al-Qaeda and Nazis causing a disturbance. None of the above were located.
Nov. 3 — At 7:55 p.m., three brothers were arrested in the 100 block of Bank Street on suspicion of fighting in a public place and being drunk in public. They allegedly had been arguing over needing to call someone to pick them up so they wouldn’t get arrested for being drunk in public.
Nov. 27 — At 1:10 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of West McKnight Way reported a man throwing kittens at people; their whiskers looked like they had been burned off. He was gone when officers arrived.
Dec. 1 — At 3:42 p.m., a man from the 400 block of Railroad Avenue reported that in a drunken state he let a stranger drive him back to the hotel and take his vehicle. He has no idea who the person is. A be-on-the-lookout advisory was issued for a green Jeep Cherokee.
Dec. 3 — At 10:17 a.m., a woman from the 11000 block of Myrna Drive reported her neighbors were petting and feeding her cats without her permission.
Dec. 9 — At 2:16 p.m., a caller from the 100 block of Mill Street reported a man holding a lighter to his neck, telling people he was going to light himself on fire. He said he was shaving with the lighter.
Dec. 26 — At 10:33 p.m., a woman from Oscar Drive used multiple expletives to report the world was not doing what she wants it to.