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My autobiography could be titled, “My Life as Told by Hours I've Logged in at the Mall.” It would be divided into three segments; Buying Time (my teenage years), Crying Time (my kids' early childhood years), and Trying Time (my kids' teenage years).
In the process I've amassed a collection of helpful observations about the mall environment that may provide the basis for a groundbreaking master's thesis.
Things like: no matter how much money you thought you were going to spend, quadruple it, AND … shopping can be educational.
The latter I know for a fact because it‘s one of the few places where my daughters can, CPA-like, add columns of numbers in under ten seconds, proving to me that the sixteen-for-fourteen clothing deal IS a savings that “we” can't pass up!
I don't spend time at the mall because I need more clothing, shoes, perfume or credit card debt. I just seem to end up there because I just seem to end up there and no one is ever more surprised than me as the lessons keep coming.
Important things I learned at the mall that may or may not be applicable to real life:
1. Necessities, such as bathrooms, are always at the opposite end of the mall from wherever you are and most certainly they are way far away from your child who is screaming, “Go potty! Go potty! I have to gooooo pottttyyy – now. Oops, mommy, never mind.” This is much like life, don't you think? What you need seems far away, but if you would have taken a more efficient route, you could have gotten there quicker, ix-naying the wasted time.
2. Whatever slimming, fabulously exquisite item of apparel that will render you whole for the first time in your life will be in a size that won't begin to accommodate your goddess-like proportions. Often, this realization occurs after you've made an attempt at donning the garment, so always, always use the buddy system. Case in point, one time I feared I would be wearing a turtleneck into the swimsuit season as I screamed “pull“ louder than an Oxford rowing team oarsman, until my daughter liberated me, at which time my head shot back out of the garment with a cork popping sound.
3. Escalators are an intelligence test; therefore, we are wasting way too much money on state standardized testing. Simply schedule students for escalator walking and it will be much cheaper in the long run. Like our real world, “If you can't even find a way to accomplish a hands-on task such as this, how do you expect to be successful? No one else is going to ride that escalator for you, young lady!”
4. And speaking of walking, mall walking is a viable sport when combined with black belt retail acquisition. Both activities create a “feel the burn” response at which time our blood pressure rises and perspiration bursts out all over the body, signaling metabolic activity in the living organism.
5. The coupon you've been saving for months in order to collect your well-deserved 5 percent off, with no purchase necessary, expired at midnight the day of your trip to the mall. Timing is everything, baby, and unless you create weekly mnemonics to keep track of these things, “they” will always win. Rage the machine!
6. People you never wish to see again in this lifetime, or the next five lifetimes, will always surface at a mall eatery, standing next to your table, right as you've taken a big bite of something gooey that cannot be contained or shifted in your mouth. They will look better than you ever remember them looking, while you will have ketchup on your chest, a crusty face and a zit that makes you look, against all odds, as though puberty can happen twice.
7. When people laugh as you walk by it is highly likely that they ARE laughing at you. The mall is simply a better decorated high school, complete with the “in“ crowd, the “out“ crowd, you and your gaucho pants that still fit, although you haven't seen the matching vest since people used the term, “matching vest” in a favorable way.
8. Hot-dog-on-a-stick businesses with lame hats change previously nice teenagers into crabby teenagers who will morph into future benefit-collecting adults with well-worn uniforms, even worse attitudes, and the ability to purchase a handgun legally.
9. Feeling that your wallet is full of cash because credit cards are heavy, does not make it full of cash and, no, just because you still have checks does not mean there is corresponding money in the account.
10. Asking a cashier to guess how old you are when they are reviewing your driver's license only amuses you, so quietly show the ID and move along. If they comment on the picture positively consider that a lucky sign and drive immediately to your local gaming establishment.
Diane Dean-Epps is a comedienne and writer. Contact her at www.diane deanepps.com.
In the process I've amassed a collection of helpful observations about the mall environment that may provide the basis for a groundbreaking master's thesis.
Things like: no matter how much money you thought you were going to spend, quadruple it, AND … shopping can be educational.
The latter I know for a fact because it‘s one of the few places where my daughters can, CPA-like, add columns of numbers in under ten seconds, proving to me that the sixteen-for-fourteen clothing deal IS a savings that “we” can't pass up!
I don't spend time at the mall because I need more clothing, shoes, perfume or credit card debt. I just seem to end up there because I just seem to end up there and no one is ever more surprised than me as the lessons keep coming.
Important things I learned at the mall that may or may not be applicable to real life:
1. Necessities, such as bathrooms, are always at the opposite end of the mall from wherever you are and most certainly they are way far away from your child who is screaming, “Go potty! Go potty! I have to gooooo pottttyyy – now. Oops, mommy, never mind.” This is much like life, don't you think? What you need seems far away, but if you would have taken a more efficient route, you could have gotten there quicker, ix-naying the wasted time.
2. Whatever slimming, fabulously exquisite item of apparel that will render you whole for the first time in your life will be in a size that won't begin to accommodate your goddess-like proportions. Often, this realization occurs after you've made an attempt at donning the garment, so always, always use the buddy system. Case in point, one time I feared I would be wearing a turtleneck into the swimsuit season as I screamed “pull“ louder than an Oxford rowing team oarsman, until my daughter liberated me, at which time my head shot back out of the garment with a cork popping sound.
3. Escalators are an intelligence test; therefore, we are wasting way too much money on state standardized testing. Simply schedule students for escalator walking and it will be much cheaper in the long run. Like our real world, “If you can't even find a way to accomplish a hands-on task such as this, how do you expect to be successful? No one else is going to ride that escalator for you, young lady!”
4. And speaking of walking, mall walking is a viable sport when combined with black belt retail acquisition. Both activities create a “feel the burn” response at which time our blood pressure rises and perspiration bursts out all over the body, signaling metabolic activity in the living organism.
5. The coupon you've been saving for months in order to collect your well-deserved 5 percent off, with no purchase necessary, expired at midnight the day of your trip to the mall. Timing is everything, baby, and unless you create weekly mnemonics to keep track of these things, “they” will always win. Rage the machine!
6. People you never wish to see again in this lifetime, or the next five lifetimes, will always surface at a mall eatery, standing next to your table, right as you've taken a big bite of something gooey that cannot be contained or shifted in your mouth. They will look better than you ever remember them looking, while you will have ketchup on your chest, a crusty face and a zit that makes you look, against all odds, as though puberty can happen twice.
7. When people laugh as you walk by it is highly likely that they ARE laughing at you. The mall is simply a better decorated high school, complete with the “in“ crowd, the “out“ crowd, you and your gaucho pants that still fit, although you haven't seen the matching vest since people used the term, “matching vest” in a favorable way.
8. Hot-dog-on-a-stick businesses with lame hats change previously nice teenagers into crabby teenagers who will morph into future benefit-collecting adults with well-worn uniforms, even worse attitudes, and the ability to purchase a handgun legally.
9. Feeling that your wallet is full of cash because credit cards are heavy, does not make it full of cash and, no, just because you still have checks does not mean there is corresponding money in the account.
10. Asking a cashier to guess how old you are when they are reviewing your driver's license only amuses you, so quietly show the ID and move along. If they comment on the picture positively consider that a lucky sign and drive immediately to your local gaming establishment.
Diane Dean-Epps is a comedienne and writer. Contact her at www.diane deanepps.com.
