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Opinion
Ahhhh, romance … how can one not ponder the trials and tribulations of this topic as the pounding hooves of spring approach, a time when biology kicks in and we note new growth, sap rising, and fertile ground all before we even set foot outside our local coffee shop.
Now that we are able, however tentatively, to venture outside again, we can while away the hours people watching, young couples in love being especially cute because they're so shiny, energetic and hopeful.
Alas, it is also this “high on love” group of youngsters that suffers the longest fall from their lofty perch. Having witnessed just such a freefall recently, this week I have invented my own “Not Not” list, which is the equivalent of two negatives making a positive.
The topic: R-O-M-A-N-C-E! Get it while it's (not) hot! It's NOT that it's NOT time to end the romance when…
1. His soulful gaze of romantic intent turns out to be his myopic attempt to see the football game on the flat screen behind you.
2. You answer your phone, hear an intake of breath and upon your inquiry as to who it is your paramour tentatively says, “Babe? Heyyyy, I was just thinking about … youuuuu,” with exactly all of those pauses and inflections.
3. Whenever you're not in the room, upon reentering said room he seems to be scrambling to hide a piece of paper which you find later and it sports the heading, “Reasons to Stay in the Relationship,” “Reasons to Leave the Relationship” … and relationship is spelled wrong.
4. When your birthday rolls around he says, “Wow! That's already here again?! How about if I give you the money, and you get exactly what you want?”
5. A romantic date includes a) dinner at his favorite restaurant b) dinner at his favorite restaurant with his best friend and his wife c) dinner at his favorite restaurant with his best friend and his wife followed by playing pool at a bar owned by three people the three of them went to high school with; and c) a declaration that it's so great you have so much in common.
6. He calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up his mother more than he calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up you.
7. After a social engagement he is able to describe what every female in the room was wearing, with admirable detail, while he has trouble verbally recovering from his wrong answer to your question, “What color are my eyes?”
8. When you start talking, his eyes drift to anywhere else; and when questioned about it, he goes on the defensive, saying why can't he just be who he is, followed by a tragic story about his wandering eye and how he was teased about it as a kid.
9. He begins a conversation with, “Let's deal with some things … ” and ends it with, “So, we're good?
10. You receive a text that shares more information than he is able to share in person and when you comment upon that fact, he says, “I can be more open when I'm not looking at you.”
11. He has defriended you on Facebook, but claims it's a glitch in the system.
12. When other people know you're breaking up before you know you're breaking up. (This one may be attributed to my teenaged daughter.)
13. He goes offline the moment you go on, but claims it's a glitch in the system.
14. His facebook status is “single,” though you know for a fact it said, “In a relationship” when he was with his last girlfriend.
15. You realize he hasn't initiated any contact in weeks, and you entertain the notion that the only reason he's still seeing you is because you've got the flat screen television featured in number 1 above.
Diane Dean-Epps is a comedienne and writer. Contact her at www.diane deanepps.com.
Now that we are able, however tentatively, to venture outside again, we can while away the hours people watching, young couples in love being especially cute because they're so shiny, energetic and hopeful.
Alas, it is also this “high on love” group of youngsters that suffers the longest fall from their lofty perch. Having witnessed just such a freefall recently, this week I have invented my own “Not Not” list, which is the equivalent of two negatives making a positive.
The topic: R-O-M-A-N-C-E! Get it while it's (not) hot! It's NOT that it's NOT time to end the romance when…
1. His soulful gaze of romantic intent turns out to be his myopic attempt to see the football game on the flat screen behind you.
2. You answer your phone, hear an intake of breath and upon your inquiry as to who it is your paramour tentatively says, “Babe? Heyyyy, I was just thinking about … youuuuu,” with exactly all of those pauses and inflections.
3. Whenever you're not in the room, upon reentering said room he seems to be scrambling to hide a piece of paper which you find later and it sports the heading, “Reasons to Stay in the Relationship,” “Reasons to Leave the Relationship” … and relationship is spelled wrong.
4. When your birthday rolls around he says, “Wow! That's already here again?! How about if I give you the money, and you get exactly what you want?”
5. A romantic date includes a) dinner at his favorite restaurant b) dinner at his favorite restaurant with his best friend and his wife c) dinner at his favorite restaurant with his best friend and his wife followed by playing pool at a bar owned by three people the three of them went to high school with; and c) a declaration that it's so great you have so much in common.
6. He calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up his mother more than he calls, hangs out with, talks about, thinks about or brings up you.
7. After a social engagement he is able to describe what every female in the room was wearing, with admirable detail, while he has trouble verbally recovering from his wrong answer to your question, “What color are my eyes?”
8. When you start talking, his eyes drift to anywhere else; and when questioned about it, he goes on the defensive, saying why can't he just be who he is, followed by a tragic story about his wandering eye and how he was teased about it as a kid.
9. He begins a conversation with, “Let's deal with some things … ” and ends it with, “So, we're good?
10. You receive a text that shares more information than he is able to share in person and when you comment upon that fact, he says, “I can be more open when I'm not looking at you.”
11. He has defriended you on Facebook, but claims it's a glitch in the system.
12. When other people know you're breaking up before you know you're breaking up. (This one may be attributed to my teenaged daughter.)
13. He goes offline the moment you go on, but claims it's a glitch in the system.
14. His facebook status is “single,” though you know for a fact it said, “In a relationship” when he was with his last girlfriend.
15. You realize he hasn't initiated any contact in weeks, and you entertain the notion that the only reason he's still seeing you is because you've got the flat screen television featured in number 1 above.
Diane Dean-Epps is a comedienne and writer. Contact her at www.diane deanepps.com.
