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It is my right as a wife and mother to be in touch with my inner and outer nag. I have earned it, although I know it is not politically correct to link women and nagging.
In fact, you could be taking your life into your hands by proclaiming this type of thing, but I am a risk-taker by nature.
These days the work has been eliminated from that whole naggy business by those #@$*& people at Maytag, as well as the makers of very fine coffee brewing systems, dryers and microwaves everywhere.
It's my birthright to be THE nag in my household and yet I find myself being usurped by non-sentient beings because my appliances nag me.
Heaven help me if I don't grab something from the microwave within two seconds because I'll be greeted by two sharp, admonishing blasts that threaten to force me into early Depends wearing.
And the dryer? If I don't get the clothes out of there on the double, it will buzz at me and huffily whirl the clothes around until the fuzz comes home.
My coffee pot has a nagging tendency to produce two double staccato huffing noises if I don't pick-up my just-brewed joe in record time. I can almost hear it yelling, “Order Up!” as I blearily hop to it and retrieve my java.
This all reminds me of that commercial where the lady is “slaving” over a cool spatula to produce Rice Krispies treats for her family.
It's actually so easy that she opts to fling flour and water on her face, making it look as though she's slaved over hot marshmallows all day.
(Did you ever wonder why she didn't end up with paste on her face? Flour and water. That's how we made paste in my day. In fact, I may hold the world's record for the earliest grounding as, at the tender age of five, I proudly flour and water-pasted everything I owned onto my bedroom wall, showing mommy what happens when I entertain myself AND my proclivity to make a product that adhered anything to anything.)
Though I'm irritated by my appliances, they <i>have<i> made my job easier, providing me with time for other things. This, in turn, has led to my adoption of additional ways to make these other things look more time-consuming than they are, much like the Rice Krispies lady.
For instance, take hot chocolate. I make it seem as though preparing it is tantamount to knitting an afghan in one sitting when it's so easy now, you just rip open the envelope – some even boast the requisite marshmallows – and add water.
I am a bit disturbed by the fact that whenever I do perform some sort of task for my family I seem to be finishing up by emitting a “Beep, beep!” sound to let them know I'm done.
In fact, you could be taking your life into your hands by proclaiming this type of thing, but I am a risk-taker by nature.
These days the work has been eliminated from that whole naggy business by those #@$*& people at Maytag, as well as the makers of very fine coffee brewing systems, dryers and microwaves everywhere.
It's my birthright to be THE nag in my household and yet I find myself being usurped by non-sentient beings because my appliances nag me.
Heaven help me if I don't grab something from the microwave within two seconds because I'll be greeted by two sharp, admonishing blasts that threaten to force me into early Depends wearing.
And the dryer? If I don't get the clothes out of there on the double, it will buzz at me and huffily whirl the clothes around until the fuzz comes home.
My coffee pot has a nagging tendency to produce two double staccato huffing noises if I don't pick-up my just-brewed joe in record time. I can almost hear it yelling, “Order Up!” as I blearily hop to it and retrieve my java.
This all reminds me of that commercial where the lady is “slaving” over a cool spatula to produce Rice Krispies treats for her family.
It's actually so easy that she opts to fling flour and water on her face, making it look as though she's slaved over hot marshmallows all day.
(Did you ever wonder why she didn't end up with paste on her face? Flour and water. That's how we made paste in my day. In fact, I may hold the world's record for the earliest grounding as, at the tender age of five, I proudly flour and water-pasted everything I owned onto my bedroom wall, showing mommy what happens when I entertain myself AND my proclivity to make a product that adhered anything to anything.)
Though I'm irritated by my appliances, they <i>have<i> made my job easier, providing me with time for other things. This, in turn, has led to my adoption of additional ways to make these other things look more time-consuming than they are, much like the Rice Krispies lady.
For instance, take hot chocolate. I make it seem as though preparing it is tantamount to knitting an afghan in one sitting when it's so easy now, you just rip open the envelope – some even boast the requisite marshmallows – and add water.
I am a bit disturbed by the fact that whenever I do perform some sort of task for my family I seem to be finishing up by emitting a “Beep, beep!” sound to let them know I'm done.
Diane Dean-Epps is a comedienne and writer. Contact her at www.dianedeanepps.com.
