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The state is 20 gazillion dollars in the hole, millions of its citizens are out of work, they are threatening to let the crooks out of prison because they can't afford to keep them locked up, and California's Top Cop is going after Barbie Dolls this holiday season.
And we wonder how the Golden Goose was strangled to death?
Last week, I got a press release from Attorney General Jerry Brown's “peeps” stating that Jerry and his deputies will start going after toy stores this holiday season unless they remove “Reversible Croco Belts” and “Barbie Bike Flair Accessory Kits” from their shelves.
That's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping for when we elected him. In fact, I remember sitting at a bar before the election talking to a friend about California's crime and the need for someone to stop it before we're all robbed, beaten and disrobed.
“And the lead in those Barbie toys ... if they don't do something about that immediately, I'm moving to China!” I promised my bar friend.
“You think that's bad,” my friend replied. “They sold my kid a pair of Paula Fuschia Open-Toed Shoes and they had lead in ‘em!”
“That's what I mean!” I said, sipping my cold glass of beer. “This state is just going to hell in a lead-infested Barbie handbag, and it's damned time we elected an attorney general who has the guts to stand up to Barbie, Ken and the rest of those lead carriers!”
Don't get me started.
According to California's Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act (I suppose that would be CSDWTEA) of 1986, any children's product that contains more than 300 parts per million (ppm) of lead is considered a dangerous weapon.
Here's what our attorney general's Most Wanted List Of Dangerous Weapons looks like this holiday season:
• Kids Poncho — sold by Walmart
• MSY Faded Glory Rebecca Shoes — sold by Walmart
• Reversible Croco Belt — sold by Target
• Dora The Explorer Activity Tote Bag (I know... not Dora The Explorer!) - sold by TJ Maxx
• Disney Fairies Silvermists Water Lily Necklace — sold by Walgreens
• Barbi Bike Flair Accessory Kit — sold by Tuesday Morning
No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Who could, with stores trying to push lead Flair Accessory Kits to our kids?
What happened was that a special interest group headquartered in Oakland (last I checked, Oakland was the murder capital of the world) that probably got a pile of stimulus money and no place to spend it, visited a bunch of toy stores looking to see if they were selling toys with more than 300 parts per million of lead in them.
Some believe that if you stick anything in your mouth that has more than 300 parts per million of lead (such as a Glory Rebecca Shoe), you will grow two more ears than you need and maybe even another nose. Never mind there are people in their 90s living today who used to eat the stuff for breakfast. I met a 100-year-old woman just last week who was wearing lead earrings she's had attached to her ears since Japan surrendered and she still has all her teeth.
As a matter of fact ... all my toys were lead and I came out perfectly fine ... except for the 11 toes and maybe a slight twitch or two.
“Daddy,” I'd say. “What's for Christmas this year?”
“Lead,” he'd say. “I'm getting you a lead ball and maybe even a lead bat, if you can keep your nose clean until Christmas.”
Brown — who used to be our governor before he was mayor of the murder capital of the world, which landed him a job as attorney general (go figure) — said it's time these stores tried harder to keep lead toys out of our kids' hands.
He wants to be governor again, and I think that would be a swell campaign strategy ... much better than ... say ... convincing his colleagues to get the lead out of their own pants before the state files for bankruptcy. Or maybe looking for ways to find jobs for millions of unemployed Californians before they are forced to sell lead toys to our kids out of the trunk of their cars. Or maybe working to get his former Oakland constituents to quit shooting each other with Russian weapons.
Studies have shown lead doll shoes and lead Disney Fairies will eventually lead to pain pills and vodka, so it's important that we rid all the shelves of lead toys before it's too late.
I bring this up just in case you wonder why we used to refer to Jerry Brown as “Moonbeam.” It seems he still has that “glow” about him.
If the stores continue to push lead to our kids, they will be fined bazillions of dollars, according to Brown's peeps, which will probably go to the Oakland special interest group so it can visit more stores to help collect more fines. There is a reason California is broke today, and not all of it is my fault.
Unfortunately, the worst is yet to come, my fellow beachcombers.
We owe the Chinese $800 billion and counting (where do you think the stimulus money is coming from?), and if we don't start paying them back, they have promised to send missiles filled with Glory Rebecca Shoes down on Oakland by next Christmas.
Jeff Ackerman is the editor/publisher of The Union. His column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 477-4299 or jackerman@theunion.com.
And we wonder how the Golden Goose was strangled to death?
Last week, I got a press release from Attorney General Jerry Brown's “peeps” stating that Jerry and his deputies will start going after toy stores this holiday season unless they remove “Reversible Croco Belts” and “Barbie Bike Flair Accessory Kits” from their shelves.
That's exactly the kind of stuff I was hoping for when we elected him. In fact, I remember sitting at a bar before the election talking to a friend about California's crime and the need for someone to stop it before we're all robbed, beaten and disrobed.
“And the lead in those Barbie toys ... if they don't do something about that immediately, I'm moving to China!” I promised my bar friend.
“You think that's bad,” my friend replied. “They sold my kid a pair of Paula Fuschia Open-Toed Shoes and they had lead in ‘em!”
“That's what I mean!” I said, sipping my cold glass of beer. “This state is just going to hell in a lead-infested Barbie handbag, and it's damned time we elected an attorney general who has the guts to stand up to Barbie, Ken and the rest of those lead carriers!”
Don't get me started.
According to California's Safe Drinking Water and Toxic Enforcement Act (I suppose that would be CSDWTEA) of 1986, any children's product that contains more than 300 parts per million (ppm) of lead is considered a dangerous weapon.
Here's what our attorney general's Most Wanted List Of Dangerous Weapons looks like this holiday season:
• Kids Poncho — sold by Walmart
• MSY Faded Glory Rebecca Shoes — sold by Walmart
• Reversible Croco Belt — sold by Target
• Dora The Explorer Activity Tote Bag (I know... not Dora The Explorer!) - sold by TJ Maxx
• Disney Fairies Silvermists Water Lily Necklace — sold by Walgreens
• Barbi Bike Flair Accessory Kit — sold by Tuesday Morning
No wonder I couldn't sleep last night. Who could, with stores trying to push lead Flair Accessory Kits to our kids?
What happened was that a special interest group headquartered in Oakland (last I checked, Oakland was the murder capital of the world) that probably got a pile of stimulus money and no place to spend it, visited a bunch of toy stores looking to see if they were selling toys with more than 300 parts per million of lead in them.
Some believe that if you stick anything in your mouth that has more than 300 parts per million of lead (such as a Glory Rebecca Shoe), you will grow two more ears than you need and maybe even another nose. Never mind there are people in their 90s living today who used to eat the stuff for breakfast. I met a 100-year-old woman just last week who was wearing lead earrings she's had attached to her ears since Japan surrendered and she still has all her teeth.
As a matter of fact ... all my toys were lead and I came out perfectly fine ... except for the 11 toes and maybe a slight twitch or two.
“Daddy,” I'd say. “What's for Christmas this year?”
“Lead,” he'd say. “I'm getting you a lead ball and maybe even a lead bat, if you can keep your nose clean until Christmas.”
Brown — who used to be our governor before he was mayor of the murder capital of the world, which landed him a job as attorney general (go figure) — said it's time these stores tried harder to keep lead toys out of our kids' hands.
He wants to be governor again, and I think that would be a swell campaign strategy ... much better than ... say ... convincing his colleagues to get the lead out of their own pants before the state files for bankruptcy. Or maybe looking for ways to find jobs for millions of unemployed Californians before they are forced to sell lead toys to our kids out of the trunk of their cars. Or maybe working to get his former Oakland constituents to quit shooting each other with Russian weapons.
Studies have shown lead doll shoes and lead Disney Fairies will eventually lead to pain pills and vodka, so it's important that we rid all the shelves of lead toys before it's too late.
I bring this up just in case you wonder why we used to refer to Jerry Brown as “Moonbeam.” It seems he still has that “glow” about him.
If the stores continue to push lead to our kids, they will be fined bazillions of dollars, according to Brown's peeps, which will probably go to the Oakland special interest group so it can visit more stores to help collect more fines. There is a reason California is broke today, and not all of it is my fault.
Unfortunately, the worst is yet to come, my fellow beachcombers.
We owe the Chinese $800 billion and counting (where do you think the stimulus money is coming from?), and if we don't start paying them back, they have promised to send missiles filled with Glory Rebecca Shoes down on Oakland by next Christmas.
Jeff Ackerman is the editor/publisher of The Union. His column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 477-4299 or jackerman@theunion.com.
