Jeff Ackerman: Legislature going to the dogs
By Jeff Ackerman, jeffa@theunion.com
» More from Jeff Ackerman
12:01 a.m. PT Mar 25, 2008
Just in case you're wondering how California could possibly manage without a full-time Legislature - and I've suggested more than once that we confiscate members' keys to the Capitol Building and send them home for at least a year - check out the latest proposal from Assemblyman George Plescia from La Jolla (pronounced La Hoya).
Plescia (pronounced Mor-on) is a Republican and La Jolla is one of those towns where people drive cars worth more than my house and spend more on their poodles than I spend on my kids. My kids, by the way, would be very disappointed to hear this and will, I suspect, hold it over our heads until they are 21.
"Dad!" they'll shout. "We're not poodles! We deserve to be treated better!"
"Great!" I'll shout right back. "Move to La Hoya with the Mor-on!"
Anyway ... I suppose if you are an assemblyman from a place where they treat poodles better than children, you might have a different perspective on the needs and wants of most Californians. Why, for example, would you really care that the state is facing a $14 billion to $20 billion budget deficit? You probably have friends who spend that much in a weekend.
And so it probably makes sense that Assemblyman Plescia would spend his time drafting a resolution to officially declare June 20 "Take Your Dog To Work Day" as a way to honor canines. He got the idea from the folks who started the "Take Your Kid To Work Day," which hasn't really caught on yet because many Californians (not me, kids) go to work to get away from their kids.
The La Jolla assemblyman actually did some research on his proposal, discovering that millions of employees would love to bring their dogs to the office. They said having their dogs at work would make them more creative and they wouldn't call in sick so much.
I'm not making this up.
Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about dogs. I love them, but I know how they clean themselves, and I have also seen them eat things that no living thing ought to eat. Take Ben, for example. He's my dog. He's part lab and part deer-poop eater. I know ... I was thinking the same thing the first time I saw him eat deer droppings along the trail where we both run to work off the tortilla chips. "Ben!" I shouted. "How can I even think of taking you to work with me as long as you continue to eat deer poop?"
Ben just looked up at me with that stupid deer-poop-in-the-headlights look of his and continued running down the trail.
Ben's disgusting eating habits alone are not enough to keep him out of the workplace, mind you. The California Legislature long ago determined that you cannot keep anyone out of the workplace just because they give you the dry-heaves.
What will create a problem for Ben (and for me) is when Ben wants to introduce himself to my co-workers. You and I would probably just walk up to a stranger, shake hands and say hello. Ben, on the other hand, runs up, sticks his nose in your crotch and steps on your foot. It's his way of saying he may be a poop-eater, but he's always happy to meet friends of his dad (that's me). That could create some serious legal liability, since I'm the boss and all.
COURT: "The complaint alleges that on June 20, 2008, your dog Ben did knowingly and willingly poke his nose into your reporter's crotch without an invitation, causing emotional distress and terrible discomfort. How do you plead?"
ME: "Guilty, your honor. But the guy from La Hoya said I could bring my dog to work and that it would make me more creative. I tried to tell him that Ben might not fit in, but he wouldn't listen."
COURT: "Too bad. We award the plaintiff $6 billion for suffering and another $6 billion for emotional distress in the workplace. We also order you to buy the plaintiff a new pair of pants."
The proposed resolution also is a slap in the face to California cat owners. I also have a cat. His name is Sam and he's a LOT smarter than Ben. If I had to choose which one to bring to work, I'd probably have to go with Sam if I could get him into the car without him scratching my face off. Sam is much more independent than Ben and far less needy. I have never once, for example, seen Sam stick his nose in anybody's crotch, especially a stranger's.
While Ben would love to come to the office for a day, I'm not sure Sam wouldn't rather stay in the yard, waiting to grab a wayward bird. Sam is a hunter and Ben is ... well ... just a happy deer-poop eater.
None of this, by the way, will help California much. And that's the point. If I were in the Assembly today, I doubt a "Bring Your Dog To Work Day" resolution would make my Top 10 To Do list. But it does help explain why California might be in the shape it's in today.
Jeff Ackerman is the publisher of The Union. His column appears on Tuesdays. Contact him at 477-4299, jeffa@theunion.com, or 464 Sutton Way, Grass Valley 95945.
