My darling wife, the maker of all things happening, just how important to you is our family?

I mean, seriously, if you knew of a way for you and I and our girls, to share more time together, wouldn't you just leap at such a proposition?

Of course you would, which is why I write this, to share such a discovery.

You know how it is, on weekends, when we're all together and all you want to do is watch some silly sports event on television, but you just don't have the time?

I know how much Notre Dame football means to you, honey. But rest assured you're doing the right thing by spending your Saturday afternoons driving the girls to birthday parties or stocking up on the supplies at the grocery store.

Really, it's good to see your priorities are in order.

And that's why I have such great news for you.

No longer will you face such a dilemma.

No longer must you miss a single minute of the action.

No longer will you stare at me wondering, wishing that you, too, could watch the Fighting Irish.

Now, my dear, dear wife, you can.

I give thee ... TiVo.

Never heard of it?

Let me explain. TiVo is a miracle in a small black plastic box, ready to bring you the world at the touch of a remote control. It allows you to record TV programs for later viewing, meaning that there's no reason for you to be angry - nor me to feel guilty - knowing that I get to see each and every touchdown while you miss all the fun.

Now, after the girls are all tucked in, we can watch the game AGAIN.

This time together!

And not only will you now get to watch every Notre Dame game, you can also set it up to record "Hardball with Chris Matthews," "The Daily Show" and "SportsCenter" - which you never actually need to record because it seems to air every 15 minutes on one of ESPN's 52 channels.

What's that? You don't like those shows?

Not even Notre Dame football?!?

So why do I (YOU?) get so angry about missing the games?

Oh.

I see.

Well, then, look at it this way.

Now, I could record the game and actually help you out.

Yeah! Think about it, honey.

Now, even on Saturdays, I could clean the kitchen, take out the trash or chauffeur the girls around and still catch the game later.

I mean, really, now I'd have the time to build you that garden you (we) have been dreaming about.

What's that? Sounds like a VCR? Yeah, it does all that, but so much more.

It can actually pause live TV while you answer the phone, and can catch up to live action again with a few clicks on the remote - which also allows you to skip through commercials.

That means no more worries about our girls ever accidentally catching a Girls Gone Wild promo, nor will we be tricked into buying books that show you how to fund our children's future - their birth, education, retirement and funeral costs - all for $19.95.

And not only does it record TV, it does so without needing to remember to set the VCR.

It automatically records your favorite shows when they're on, so now you won't miss a single episode of "American Idol." And it can also automatically record shows that are similar to your favorites, which means without evening thinking about it, you'll get "Dancing with the Stars," too!

Sorry, honey. I know, you only watched one season of "American Idol," because one can only stand so much reality television.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand - the answer to my (our) dreams.

Just think of all the fun things we can do when the games will be waiting for me later.

So how about it?

How much? It depends on the package we purchase, but TiVo has an offer for $19.95 a month on its Web site.

Right, I know, the budget.

Does our oldest girl really need that orthodontic work? I mean, our insurance company will likely deem it just a cosmetic fix, anyway.

And seriously, our youngest should be out of diapers soon. We can start saving now by only letting her wear her birthday suit around the house, which should then only promote the notion of potty-training.

And, if not, we do have tile flooring.

No deal?

OK, upon further review, it appears the satellite TV companies are in the midst of promotional pricing wars and they're promising the world.

Over at Dish Network, we can get one year of service free! Although, it looks like we would have to prepay for three years of service.

Good point. With the ever-changing world of technology, who knows what's right around the corner. I mean, with the advent of YouTube, it shouldn't be long until I have the 1988 Fiesta Bowl, the 1985 NBA Finals and the 1978 Final Four at my fingertips with on-demand favorite games. And just think of all those lost episodes of the Baseball Bunch.

So what about DirecTV?

They're offering not only the satellite programming, but also the NFL Sunday Ticket in their Total Choice Premier package for $69.99 for four months. And, they'll throw in a replica die-cast No. 7 NASCAR driven by Clint Bowyer.

I hear he's a real up-and-comer in NASCAR, honey.

No deal?

OK, OK, forget all the extras, it looks like we can get that much-needed family time at the low, low cost of $5.99 a month at DirecTV.

Oh, what's this?

Dish Network just came in with a bid of $5.98.

Just think of what we could do with that penny!

Look, my love, we've been trying to teach our girls the difference between a "want" and a "need." What a better chance to teach that lesson?

I mean, I really need you to want this for our family.

You do care about our family, right?

Of course you do.

ooo

Brian Hamilton is sports editor at The Union. His column is published Saturdays. He may be reached via e-mail at brianh@theunion.com or by phone at 477-4240.