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ENLARGE
Marvich, 16, of Grass Valley reads a T-shirt hanging from the Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Coalition's "Clothesline Project" Friday afternoon at the Beat Cafe on Main Street in Grass Valley.
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ENLARGE
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The Union photo/David B. Torch Lisa Jordan at her Grass Valley home.
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Bloody, bruised and dehumanized, 48-year-old Lisa Jordan stood in her fiance's "million-dollar" home last January after the police had hauled him away, staring at her expensive clothes and weighing her options:
If she stayed with him, she would likely endure endless beatings and psychological abuse, like the time he backhanded her and punched her in the face repeatedly, grabbed her hair and threatened to shove her head through the wall.
Then there was the time he barely missed her face with a kitchen knife he threw at her from across the room.
She believed it was only a matter of time until he killed her.
But she had no job; he wouldn't allow it.
She had no friends; he didn't like them.
She was nothing without him - a shell of a person. He made a point to remind her of that every day.
She decided to stay, the same decision she had made after leaving him seven times in the six years they were together.
"We had all these plans together," she said. "It was so surreal to watch your life crumbling in front of you like that."
Victim advocates say this is the story of battered women everywhere. They don't believe they can survive without their abuser's money, connections, attention, companionship or love.
"You go into shock," Jordan said. "You don't believe it's happening. The more you go through it, the harder it is to believe."
Linda Neely, a counselor with the Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Coalition in Grass Valley, said fear is at the core of all the reasons women stay with their abusers.
"They are often threatened that they will be killed if they ever leave or that the batterer will kill himself if they leave," she said. "In fact, the most dangerous time for a woman is after she has broken up with her partner or after she has alerted him that she intends to leave."
She said that many women don't want their families to find out and will try to keep the abuse a secret. In many cases, the living situation becomes so remote that it is virtually impossible to get away.
In one local case, Neely said, a man screwed and nailed the house's doors and windows shut to keep his wife from leaving.
The morning after one beating, Jordan said, her fiance took all of the phones in the house to work with him.
If she stayed with him, she would likely endure endless beatings and psychological abuse, like the time he backhanded her and punched her in the face repeatedly, grabbed her hair and threatened to shove her head through the wall.
Then there was the time he barely missed her face with a kitchen knife he threw at her from across the room.
She believed it was only a matter of time until he killed her.
But she had no job; he wouldn't allow it.
She had no friends; he didn't like them.
She was nothing without him - a shell of a person. He made a point to remind her of that every day.
She decided to stay, the same decision she had made after leaving him seven times in the six years they were together.
"We had all these plans together," she said. "It was so surreal to watch your life crumbling in front of you like that."
Victim advocates say this is the story of battered women everywhere. They don't believe they can survive without their abuser's money, connections, attention, companionship or love.
"You go into shock," Jordan said. "You don't believe it's happening. The more you go through it, the harder it is to believe."
Linda Neely, a counselor with the Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Coalition in Grass Valley, said fear is at the core of all the reasons women stay with their abusers.
"They are often threatened that they will be killed if they ever leave or that the batterer will kill himself if they leave," she said. "In fact, the most dangerous time for a woman is after she has broken up with her partner or after she has alerted him that she intends to leave."
She said that many women don't want their families to find out and will try to keep the abuse a secret. In many cases, the living situation becomes so remote that it is virtually impossible to get away.
In one local case, Neely said, a man screwed and nailed the house's doors and windows shut to keep his wife from leaving.
The morning after one beating, Jordan said, her fiance took all of the phones in the house to work with him.
How could this happen?
Jordan wasn't always this beaten down.
She met her fiance through work. He was a wealthy, well-known contractor in Fresno. She was a divorced mother of two girls, with a well-paying job as a sales manager for a large waste disposal company.
"I dated a lot," she said. "I was picky."
Jordan had just earned a real estate license and had a large support system of family and friends. A well-spoken, vivacious blonde, quick to laugh, with a taste for the finer things in life, Jordan was intrigued by her fiance's wealth and apparent kindness.
On their first date, he cooked dinner for her and the family that lived next door to him.
"I thought he was so nice," she said. "I saw a loving, kind, successful person."
But when she uses her 20/20 hindsight, she said the warning signs were there.
Not long after that first date, the couple went out to dinner and Jordan began talking about her male co-workers.
"He started yelling at me and telling me not to talk about them," she said. "We left and he was driving like a crazy man. I kept telling him to let me out so I could get a cab."
Weeks later he apologized, cried, begged her to come to his house. After that, the wining and dining resumed.
Neely said that while sometimes a batterer shows no hint of being capable of abuse, there are some warning signs to look for, including moving to an isolated area, constant monitoring, suggesting family members and friends stay away, discouraging work or education, demanding receipts and limiting access to finances.
Name-calling, insults and threats, yelling and intimidating behavior are all signs, she said, as well as substance abuse, alcohol abuse and a history of past abuse.
Jordan said her fiance's ex-wife used to banter with her about the abuse, tugging on her sleeves at family gatherings.
"You know what long sleeves are for," she would say. "They're for hiding the bruises."
Jordan's fiance was arrested for beating his first wife and attended anger management classes as part of his probation, she said.
He never laid a hand on Jordan for the first three years they were together, and she believed he wanted to change.
Succeeding through support
It was Jordan's neighbor who convinced her it was entirely possible that she could die waiting for that change.
That same night in January, when Jordan contemplated leaving her fiance, her neighbor gave her the boost she says she so desperately needed.
"She said she heard him yelling at me, and she was praying that I would live through it," Jordan said. "She said 'You're leaving him.'"
She meant it. She packed Jordan's bags for her, called Jordan's sister in Grass Valley and bought her a train ticket, all before Jordan's fiance could bail himself out of jail.
Two and a half months later, Jordan sat on a comfortable couch with a scented candle burning in her spotless, modest apartment in Grass Valley, surrounded by pictures of her family.
All of the furniture in her apartment was donated by friends of her brother and sister, who live in the area.
For the first six weeks Jordan lived in Nevada County, she stayed at the Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Coalition's safe house, a refuge for victims of domestic violence. The location of the house is only known by employees of the DVSAC and law enforcement.
The house has cameras surrounding it, monitoring all the entrances. If a man approached the house, Jordan said, red lights on the ceiling flash, all the doors lock, and the women are ushered into an impenetrable room.
The DVSAC also gave her gift certificates for local markets for food, a bus pass and free counseling. Victim Witness of Nevada County gave her enough money for the deposit and the first month's rent on her new place.
"There is so much help out there," Jordan said. "People really pulled together."
She's excited about her new job with a local Realtor that she started last week.
She's also working part time cleaning houses and as a waitress for local restaurant.
He never laid a hand on Jordan for the first three years they were together, and she believed he wanted to change.
Succeeding through support
It was Jordan's neighbor who convinced her it was entirely possible that she could die waiting for that change.
That same night in January, when Jordan contemplated leaving her fiance, her neighbor gave her the boost she says she so desperately needed.
"She said she heard him yelling at me, and she was praying that I would live through it," Jordan said. "She said 'You're leaving him.'"
She meant it. She packed Jordan's bags for her, called Jordan's sister in Grass Valley and bought her a train ticket, all before Jordan's fiance could bail himself out of jail.
Two and a half months later, Jordan sat on a comfortable couch with a scented candle burning in her spotless, modest apartment in Grass Valley, surrounded by pictures of her family.
All of the furniture in her apartment was donated by friends of her brother and sister, who live in the area.
For the first six weeks Jordan lived in Nevada County, she stayed at the Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse Coalition's safe house, a refuge for victims of domestic violence. The location of the house is only known by employees of the DVSAC and law enforcement.
The house has cameras surrounding it, monitoring all the entrances. If a man approached the house, Jordan said, red lights on the ceiling flash, all the doors lock, and the women are ushered into an impenetrable room.
The DVSAC also gave her gift certificates for local markets for food, a bus pass and free counseling. Victim Witness of Nevada County gave her enough money for the deposit and the first month's rent on her new place.
"There is so much help out there," Jordan said. "People really pulled together."
She's excited about her new job with a local Realtor that she started last week.
She's also working part time cleaning houses and as a waitress for local restaurant.
Freshly showered, with a full face of makeup and a string of pearls around her neck, she talked of plans to go out to dinner with her 18-year-old daughter, who had refused to visit her in Fresno because of what she described as an emotionally toxic environment. Her 22-year-old daughter also visits her here as often as she can.
"My daughters were so afraid for me," Jordan said. "Everyone around you hurts for you."
Jordan's sister, who did not want to be identified, said Jordan's entire family was weary from the years of abuse and her seven failed attempts to leave.
"We all felt the frustration of her coming back and forth," she said.
Jordan said her eighth attempt at leaving her fiance has stuck, and she'll never go back.
Every once and a while she misses her convertible sports car and the closet full of designer clothes. Sometimes she forgets about the abuse and misses the ideal relationship she never really had. When that happens, she calls a counselor from the DVSAC or puts on her favorite T-shirt.
It reads: "It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life."
The shirt is a great conversation starter. In line at McDonald's, a man praised her for her sense of humor and told her a story from his personal life.
"It's scary how many people have gone through the same thing," she said. "People need to know that if they're afraid of leaving, they have a place to go.
"It's the worst when you first leave, but it only gets better."
Jordan said her limited income and transportation are minor inconveniences, and her newfound freedom is worth more than any house, nice dinner or sports car.
"I love it here," she said. "I feel like I'm in paradise."
ooo
To contact staff writer Robyn Moormeister, e-mail robynm@theunion.com or call 477-4236.
Domestic violence in Nevada County
"My daughters were so afraid for me," Jordan said. "Everyone around you hurts for you."
Jordan's sister, who did not want to be identified, said Jordan's entire family was weary from the years of abuse and her seven failed attempts to leave.
"We all felt the frustration of her coming back and forth," she said.
Jordan said her eighth attempt at leaving her fiance has stuck, and she'll never go back.
Every once and a while she misses her convertible sports car and the closet full of designer clothes. Sometimes she forgets about the abuse and misses the ideal relationship she never really had. When that happens, she calls a counselor from the DVSAC or puts on her favorite T-shirt.
It reads: "It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho the rest of your life."
The shirt is a great conversation starter. In line at McDonald's, a man praised her for her sense of humor and told her a story from his personal life.
"It's scary how many people have gone through the same thing," she said. "People need to know that if they're afraid of leaving, they have a place to go.
"It's the worst when you first leave, but it only gets better."
Jordan said her limited income and transportation are minor inconveniences, and her newfound freedom is worth more than any house, nice dinner or sports car.
"I love it here," she said. "I feel like I'm in paradise."
ooo
To contact staff writer Robyn Moormeister, e-mail robynm@theunion.com or call 477-4236.
Domestic violence in Nevada County
• In 2005, Grass Valley Police officers wrote 91 reports for incidents of domestic violence.
• Weapons were involved in 53 of those incidents, and 50 of those weapons were "personal," weapons, which can be any part of the body including hands, fists, feet, etc.
• In 2005, Grass Valley Police officers made 89 arrests for domestic violence-related crimes, such as spousal abuse or inflicting corporal injury on a cohabitant.
• In 2005, Nevada County Sheriff's deputies, who cover outlying areas of the county, wrote 217 reports for incidents of domestic violence.
• Of those incidents, 95 resulted in an arrest.
• In the first three months of 2006, Grass Valley Police officers wrote 39 domestic violence reports. Thirty-eight people were arrested as a result of those incidents. In 14 of those incidents, personal weapons were used.
• In the first three months of 2006, Nevada County Sheriff's deputies wrote 31 reports for domestic violence incidents and arrested 13 people for domestic violence crimes.
Could it happen to me?
Violence can be predicted based on men's "mate retention" behaviors, according to a study published in the December issue of Personal Relationships, a scholarly journal for psychologists and sociologists.
Although many mate retention behaviors appear to be innocuous romantic gestures (displaying resources, giving flowers), the article states there are specific danger signs that indicate possible violence in the future. They include:
1. Direct guarding: Your partner drops by unexpectedly to see what you're doing, monopolizes your time at social gatherings and refuses to introduce you to his male friends.
2. Limiting autonomy: He doesn't let you go anywhere without him and discourages you from having your own friends and interests.
3. Intersexual negative inducements: Women who threaten infidelity or are unfaithful are more likely to suffer violence at the hands of their partners.
4. Public signs of possession: He mentions to other men you're "taken," or he is more affectionate when other men are around.
• Weapons were involved in 53 of those incidents, and 50 of those weapons were "personal," weapons, which can be any part of the body including hands, fists, feet, etc.
• In 2005, Grass Valley Police officers made 89 arrests for domestic violence-related crimes, such as spousal abuse or inflicting corporal injury on a cohabitant.
• In 2005, Nevada County Sheriff's deputies, who cover outlying areas of the county, wrote 217 reports for incidents of domestic violence.
• Of those incidents, 95 resulted in an arrest.
• In the first three months of 2006, Grass Valley Police officers wrote 39 domestic violence reports. Thirty-eight people were arrested as a result of those incidents. In 14 of those incidents, personal weapons were used.
• In the first three months of 2006, Nevada County Sheriff's deputies wrote 31 reports for domestic violence incidents and arrested 13 people for domestic violence crimes.
Could it happen to me?
Violence can be predicted based on men's "mate retention" behaviors, according to a study published in the December issue of Personal Relationships, a scholarly journal for psychologists and sociologists.
Although many mate retention behaviors appear to be innocuous romantic gestures (displaying resources, giving flowers), the article states there are specific danger signs that indicate possible violence in the future. They include:
1. Direct guarding: Your partner drops by unexpectedly to see what you're doing, monopolizes your time at social gatherings and refuses to introduce you to his male friends.
2. Limiting autonomy: He doesn't let you go anywhere without him and discourages you from having your own friends and interests.
3. Intersexual negative inducements: Women who threaten infidelity or are unfaithful are more likely to suffer violence at the hands of their partners.
4. Public signs of possession: He mentions to other men you're "taken," or he is more affectionate when other men are around.
